| | Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT! | |
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taehyung Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3089 Join date : 2011-07-15 Age : 23 Location : somewhere
| Subject: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT! Wed Oct 12, 2011 8:51 am | |
| Description: - Spoiler:
Set in the far future after Celestia and Luna mysteriously vanished and the sun and moon froze in the sky, Antipodes the the story of two ponies thrust out into the harsh new world on an adventure to uncover what happened to the world so long ago
Pictures : - Spoiler:
Jigsaw : - Spoiler:
Tiptoe : - Spoiler:
Chapter 1 : - Spoiler:
legends spoke of a time when the moon and the sun moved across the sky at thebehest of two great goddesses, but those times had long since passed. One day, theysimply went... missing. No trace or hint of their whereabouts were ever found, andworse, the sun and moon froze in place above the planet. At first it hadn't been toobad- ponies on the daylit side frolicked and enjoyed the constant sunshine, while theponies on the night side enjoyed the cool calm of the world at night.Then, things began to take a turn for the worse...10,000 Years Later Jigsaw's horn shone a blue light on the dark walls of the cave. A creamy yellowpegasus trotted along behind him. Both shot glances over their shoulders every fewminutes."Are you sure we're going the right way, Jigsaw?" said the pegasus."Relax, Tiptoe," Jigsaw said, squeezing through a pile of collapsed rocks that lay intheir path. "I've made this trip four times now, and the worst thing I've had to dealwith is cave-ins.""Cave-ins?" yelped Tiptoe, her wings quivering against her flanks. "What are wesupposed to do if something blocks our way?"Jigsaw's horn glowed a brighter blue, and a rock that lay near Tiptoe's hoof moved outof her way. "I lift it," he said, matter-of-factly.To be perfectly honest with himself, Jigsaw was just as scared as his new apprentice.He'd been put in charge of the tribe's water management system several years ago.The cave had a massive system of pipes, valves, and tubes linking the general populaceto the only source of water for hundreds of miles: a vast, underground lake. At onetime, the lake had been a safe and even pleasant place to visit, but those days werelong gone. Horrible creatures had moved into the lake, and any visit there risked afight with one of them.Jigsaw's job wasn't easy, even if he didn't have to worry about things lurking in thedark. He had to adjust and reroute the water depending on broken pipes or areas thathad fallen to the monsters- and there were more of those every year. The very survivalof his civilization depended on it. This year, however, the Tribunal had seen fit to givehim an assistant to train. Jigsaw found it strange that her special talent was stealth.How could that help him? He tried not to think about it that much, though. He wasglad he was no longer alone.The blue light cast by Jigsaw's horn made sharp shadows appear on the rocks ahead ofhim. Tiptoe ruffled her wings.She never thought she'd be going into the lower sections of the cave. Nopony did-except for water maintenance and some "daring" adventurers. The Tribunal had beenattempting to put a stop to it for years- their numbers had already been reduceddangerously.There had been a time where thousands of ponies lived down there- you could still findthe empty, carved-out caverns if you walked far enough. But ever since the GrandCataclysm so long ago, they had sealed themselves off from the outside world of sunand desolation and attempted to make a life in the caves. They numbered only in thehundreds now.Suddenly, the claustrophobic tunnels opened up to a narrow walkway that spannedthe length of the cavern, ending with a spiral staircase that led up into a smooth rocksphere cut into the ceiling. Metal pipes ran out in all directions and down into the lake.Mercifully, the water was still and nothing stirred in the darkness.Jigsaw trotted out first and slowly made his way towards the staircase. The top of itstretched off towards the cavern’s ceiling. Tiptoe spread her wings wide. How shewished she could take off! She'd never seen a room so large. She could do more thanjust hover- she could really soar! Unfortunately, she knew that that was a bad idea.Something could be lurking up there.Back with the tribe, the largest room they had was the main chamber, and that wasno more than the height of twenty ponies. Pegasi were ground-ridden most of thetime. Sometimes, in excavating caverns, there were drop-offs that required pegasi tofly over to help to build a bridge, but those were few and far between. Pegasi were stilltreated well- the Tribunal was made of two delegates from each type of pony, but thepegasi as a race were declining. Less and less were born, and more and more earthponies were taking their place. Some pegasi never even got their cutie marks at all.Tiptoe was one of the lucky ones- her feather cutie mark represented her light weightand ability to sneak, which had proven very useful when attempting to clear outmonster infestations. That’s how she came to be assigned to work with Jigsaw. Shewas supposed to find ways around creatures instead of confronting them."C’mon, Tip!" Jigsaw yelled at the pegasus. She was simply standing there at thetunnel mouth, her wings spread wide, her jaw agape. "Silly pony," he said to himself,"she wouldn't last a second on her own. "He knew the feeling, though. The cavern was the largest room in the entire cavecomplex- so large that nopony had ever walked the circumference around the lake, orat least, nopony that tried ever made it back. The ceiling was several hundred feet upand shrouded in darkness.She trotted up to the staircase and clambered up the wide stone steps towards the stonesphere that served as the control panel for all the water systems throughout the cave.Even the sphere, which seemed tiny in this enormous cavern, was wide enough insidefor about thirty ponies to stand abreast. Jigsaw was waiting for her at the top."Okay, this is how it works. First step is to turn on the working lights."He flipped a switch and the room hummed to life. Various dials and gauges on thewalls began moving and from somewhere up above a ticker began printing readoutson paper that had yellowed with age.A deep rumble shook the room, a splash could be heard below, and a huge reptilianhead shot out of the water and raced up towards the shining orb on the ceiling. It wastriangular and had milky white eyes that appeared to glow yellow in the harsh lightfrom the viewing port that wrapped around the orb."What IS that thing?" Jigsaw yelled, jumping behind Tiptoe and putting his horn outhastily. "I've never seen anything like it!"Amazingly, seeing the two ponies in the room, the serpent appeared to recoil and slinkback into the water. The two ponies looked at each other and shared a nervous giggle.A bright light shot out from where the dragon had been, metal pipes groaned andsnapped, and the sphere broke free and plunged into the water below.
Chapter 2 : - Spoiler:
The sphere crashed into the water below. Water poured into the room through the wrap-around viewport, buffeting Tiptoe and Jigsaw. The creature outside was flitting around the sphere, slamming into the walls, attempting to get at the prey inside. The blows shook and deformed the sphere, causing objects to fly off the walls and into the rapidly rising water below.
A jet of water shot out of the veiwport, slamming into the two ponies and knocking them off their feet. Tiptoe hurtled hear over heels in the water. Struggling against the current, she extended her wings out flat, and her tumble stopped. She flapped furiously and managed to prevent herself from slamming into the wall on other side. She swam up to the level of the water and broke the surface.
"Jigsaw!" She yelled. "Jigsaw, where are you?"
The only response came in the form of the roar of the sea serpent outside, which had now managed to wedge it's head into the viewport and was glaring down at Tiptoe with it's milky white eyes. Tiptoe took a deep breath and dived under.
She saw Jigsaw down near the bottom of the sphere, floating near the main control console. He looked unconscious. She paddled down to him and grabbed his neck in her mouth, then began pumping her wings. The beat of the pony's wings shot them upwards until they broke the surface of the water.
Tiptoe gasped. The sea serpent had managed to pry the veiwport open long enough for it to slink it's head inside. The triangular nostrils flared as it caught the scent of the ponies, and its head turned in their direction. It shot down towards the two ponies, its jaw open wide. Tiptoe dropped under the water and the serpent slammed into the wall behind them. The serpent's body went limp, and Tiptoe began flapping her wings to attempt to fly up and over the water- but her poor wings were soaking wet, and the extra weight of Jigsaw was simply too much. Tiptoe instead beat her wings under the water and began forcing her way up the torrent of water towards the viewport.
The sea serpent stirred. It reared its head up at the pegasus that was swimming up the current and opened its mouth wide.
Tiptoe saw the serpent's mouth open and braced herself, expecting it to strike. It didn't. Instead, she saw a white pinprick of light appear in the depths of the serpent's throat. She stopped beating her wings and tumbled backwards, just in time to miss getting hit by a beam of intense white light that shot out of the serpent's mouth and punched a hole in the side of the sphere.
There was a strong gush of water, then everything was still. The sphere was now filled to the top with water, and Tiptoe could escape! Unconscious Jigsaw still in mouth, she shot out of the sphere and upward. She looked down to see something that she hadn't expected- the serpent was trapped! It couldn't pull it's neck out of the opening it had made in the viewport! As she swam up, she watched with a certain satisfaction as the sphere sank deeper and the tail of the serpent whipped past her and out of sight.
The satisfaction was short lived, however, as she looked up and realized there was a rock wall above her. The sphere had been pulled and tossed around underwater by the serpent's attacks and had slipped under a stone overhang. Tiptoe began to panic. She hadn't exactly had time to take a deep breath before swimming out, and she didn't know if Jigsaw was breathing. The terror and chaos in the sphere had kept her from realizing the true gravity of the situation. Their lives were in danger! She stopped flapping her wings and desperately looked around for any way through or around the overhang. Her wings were aching from the exertion of flapping underwater. She saw a small crack in the rock ceiling and made for it, her wings screaming in pain with every flap. She was getting desperate for a breath, and the swimming wasn't helping matters.
They broke the surface in a small room directly above the crack in the stone. Tiptoe flew out of the water and tumbled onto the ground, coughing and gasping for air. The only light in the room came from fluorescent mushrooms that grew along the walls. She dropped Jigsaw and began checking if he was breathing.
He wasn't.
Tiptoe had no idea what to do. She hadn't been trained in this before; how could she have been? The only liquid water that wasn't in pipes was in the reservoir, and nopony would ever be crazy enough to try to swim in that. She did the only thing she could think of: She took a deep breath, leaned over him, and began blowing air into his lungs.
Immediately, Jigsaw convulsed and rolled onto his side. He spit up water and began coughing. Tiptoe let out a sigh of relief and collapsed on the cave floor, exhausted.
Several hours later, Tiptoe awoke to find Jigsaw was awake and sitting up, his horn lit, staring intensely at the pool of water.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
Jigsaw jumped. "Oh! You're awake." he pawed at the ground. "I'm making sure that thing doesn't come back."
"It won't. I saw it go down with the control room." Tiptoe said.
"Oh. Well... thank you. For saving me."
Tiptoe blushed. "What else could I do?"
Tiptoe began examining the room. It was very small- maybe 8 feet high.There was a group of bioluminescent fungi in the corner, though their light was drowned out by the blue light from Jigsaw's horn. There was a tunnel that led off into the darkness in the wall behind her.
"What's going to happen to the tribe?" Tiptoe asked. "What will the control station going down do to the water?"
"Without the controls, it will just keep flowing as it always did. We just won't be able to control it."
"But... but what happens if there's a leak in an area we can't fix? What happens if the pressure drops?"
"Then... then we can't do anything about it here, can we?" Jigsaw looked up at Tiptoe and sighed. "There's nothing we can do about it here. Can you walk?"
"Of course I can walk." Tiptoe said. She began to stand up and a sharp pain shot through her flank. Her wings felt as though somepony had tried to pull them off. She attempted to spread them out. She let out a cry of pain and retracted the wing back to her side.
"Don't move." Jigsaw said. "Let me take a look at it." He walked over to Tiptoe and his horn suddenly flared with a blue light. He touched it to the spot where the wing connected to the flank. Tiptoe felt a tingle spread out and into her wings. It helped to take the pain away.
"How did you do that?" Tiptoe said, her eyes wide.
"My special talent is finding out how things work. That includes biology." He turned his flank to show her his cutie mark- two gears meshed together. "It's sprained, by the way." Jigsaw said. "You pushed yourself way too hard back there. How did you even hurt your wings, anyway? Weren't we underwater?"
Tiptoe quickly recounted what happened in the sphere.
"You managed to move quickly enough to escape the serpent while carrying me?" Jigsaw said, an eyebrow raised. "I'm impressed."
Tiptoe smiled sadly. "But now I can't use my wings at all. That's pretty much all I have."
Jigsaw shot her a skeptical glance. "You took charge back there. Better than I ever have. You saved my life. You're more than the sum of your parts." He began to walk towards the entrance to the tunnel.
Tiptoe's face flushed with color. Nopony had ever complimented her like that- she was a pegasus! Mostly ponies just looked down on her with pity. Some even disliked her just because of her wings. She'd never even flown before, not really. The most she had ever flown was hovering in the main chamber- and that was only so she didn't forget how. She still remembered the moment she stood in the cavern for the first time, seeing so much empty space above her. She couldn't see how she'd ever get back there. She didn't see how she would ever get to fly. But Jigsaw's words had stimulated something deep inside. She imagined this was how it would feel to soar. She trotted gingerly over to the mouth of the tunnel.
Jigsaw glanced over his should to see the pegasus standing behind him. "We should follow this. I don't know that we have any other options." He paused and added "I'm scared, Tiptoe."
Tiptoe cantered up and stood beside Jigsaw.
"What else can we do?" she said.
Together, they trotted off into the unknown.
Chapter 3 : - Spoiler:
Tiptoe fell into place behind Jigsaw as they pushed forwards through the darkness. The glowing fungus that grew near the entrance didn't extend into the tunnel, so the only light came from Jigsaw's horn. Tiptoe tried to glance over her shoulder but winced at the pain in her wings. Jigsaw stopped and turn to face her.
"Are you alright?" He asked.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Let's just keep going."
The tunnel curved upwards as the ponies walked on. As they moved on, the walls slowly became more and more smooth. The rough surface of the floor became more and more regular.
"Are these stairs?" Asked Tiptoe.
"I don't know. How could there be? Nopony could ever have been here before." Jigsaw replied.
However, as they walked further, it became clear that they were stairs. The walls were tiled, too. The air also got warmer the farther they climbed. It was no longer the cold, damp air they had been used to breathing for the last few hours- it was hot and dry.
"Jigsaw? I think we might be getting close to the surface." Tiptoe said, her hair bristling at the thought. Nopony ever went to the surface- not ever.
"We can't be that close. If we were, we'd be dead by now, wouldn't we? And besides, our tribe must have been here at some point. How else do you explain the stairs?" Jigsaw said. He wasn't entirely convinced, though. His job involved going through some of the oldest areas in the entire complex, and none of the places he'd ever been to ever went this far out.
Suddenly, the stairs ended with a large slab of metal blocking the entrance to what seemed to be a stone room cut into the wall. There was a small circle of silvery metal near the iron slab of the doorway.
"Jigsaw, have you ever seen anything like this before?" Tiptoe asked, inching away from the imposing slab of metal.
"No, not out this far. Tiptoe... I think these might be ruins of the old world."
Tiptoe reared back in alarm. "Ruins of the old world? That's forbidden, Jigsaw! Ruins of the old world are insanely dangerous! They always lead to the surface!"
Jigsaw gulped and said, "I'm not exactly thrilled about the prospect, but look. We're at the same level as whatever is behind this door, and we're not dead, are we? If the sun could shine through up here, it would be just as hot on this side of the door."
Tiptoe backed down. "Alright. I'll trust you. But if we open the door and we're outside, I totally told you so."
Jigsaw rolled is eyes and turned to look intensely at the locking mechanism next to the door. The plate of metal was surrounded by intricate etchings in the metal that didn't seem to have faded with time. Jigsaw looked intently at the marks but couldn't seem to make sense of them. He focused and touched the tip of his horn to the metal.
Instantly, he could sense the inner workings of the mechanism. The etchings on the lock were magical- and the method of opening relatively easy. Jigsaw inserted his horn into the lock and the room lit up. Locking mechanisms that hadn't budged for thousands of years began griding out of place. Bolts slid and came undone. The door slowly creaked open, making a horrible grinding noise. Blue light shot through the etchings on the door and up channels in the wall into reservoirs in the ceiling, lighting up the underground space.
Tiptoe looked in with a mixture of fear and wonder. Children in their tribe were raised on stories of the outside world before the Great Cataclysm. They say that ponies could walk the surface freely and that plants even grew up there. Of course, any pony now knew that would be a death sentence. Nothing could survive exposure to the sun, not even for a second. It had been like that for as long as anyone could remember. However, the ruins of the old world still existed, here and there- but almost always it was far too dangerous to explore. The buildings were usually very close to the surface, or filled with monsters. Ponies had since learned to stay keep their distance, no matter the treasures that may lay within.
"Jigsaw, what is this place?" Tiptoe asked walking forward in awe behind Jigsaw. The room was enormous, though many parts of it seemed to have fallen in on themselves. To their right lay a large rectangular device that rested on tracks.
"I haven't the slightest idea, but look up there. I think there's writing. Can you read any of the old language?"
"Only what they taught me in training. Shouldn't you know more than I do? You are the head of the water department."
Jigsaw chuckled. "Doesn't mean I paid attention in class. Do you think you could try to read it?"
Tiptoe smiled. Jigsaw rarely laughed, and when he did, it was usually a good sign. It helped to put her at ease. "I can try."
She stared at the faded sign hanging on the opposite wall for several minutes and muttered to herself. Eventually she said "I can't be sure, but it says something to effect of 'Fillydelphia Public Transportation'... something. I can't figure out the last word."
"Network." Jigsaw said. "That one I can recognize. So, this place was some kind of transportation network for the old world? But... The door..." Jigsaw paused, apparently lost in thought. Tiptoe imagined she could see the gears on his flank turning. Then, he looked up at her and smiled. "Do you realize what this means? This is working old world technology! And more than that, it's safe! Do you realize what this could mean if we could get it back to the tribe? The scientific value of this facility is... I don't even know! Priceless!" Jigsaw's entire body appeared to shift. Most of the time in the tunnel and the cave, he has simply walked along in silence, his head down, but now, he held his head high. He was in his element.
He had been fascinated by technology ever since he was just a foal. Unfortunently for him, the pickings were slim in the tribe- the only technology available was either old world tech that had been salvaged and heavily modified or improvised from materials on hand centuries ago. Jigsaw didn't mind, however. He simply invented. Before he had even reached adulthood, he had built a water-clock that also purified sediment- something invaluable in the caves. This had caught the attention of the tribunal, which had put him in the water management department- quite prestigious for such a young pony.
He quickly climbed through the ranks due to his brilliant sense of machinery- he simply seemed to understand subtleties that other ponies didn't. It wasn't all fun and games, though. He had had several run-ins with terrible creatures, and sometimes all the people under his command didn't make it out with him. Over time, he turned from a happy, upbeat young unicorn to a cold and sarcastic head of water management.
"Jigsaw..." Tiptoe said, walking along side him. "This is great, and everything, but if we can't get back to the tribe, it doesn't really matter, does it?"
Jigsaw turned to Tiptoe and stared at her quizzically, as if he had forgotten that she was there. Then his eyes seemed to get wide and he broke out in the largest smile she had ever seen. He pointed over her shoulder with his horn.
"How about we take that?"
He was pointing at the subway car.
"Jigsaw, you're insane! That... thing... must have been here since the cataclysm! There's no way it works, and even if it did, we have no idea where it would take us! Not back to the tribe, that's for sure!"
Jigsaw seemed to find the younger pony's incredulity amusing. He raised an eyelash and gave Tiptoe a playful smile.
"You doubt the mighty Jigsaw?"
Tiptoe just stared back, her face unchanged.
The smile fell of Jigsaw's face.
"Okay, look. It's the same choice that we had at the door. We can either keep going, or stay here and starve to death. And I can get the car going. I know I can."
Tiptoe sighed. "If my wings weren't so sore, I'd slap you right now." She smiled in spite of herself.
Jigsaw chuckled and said "Oh, Tiptoe, what would I do without you?"
"You would have drowned. Or been eaten by a sea serpent," Tiptoe thought. She followed Jigsaw anyway.
Jigsaw pried the door open and walked inside the ancient compartment. Faded advertisements lined the ceiling of the car. Jigsaw felt like a foal in a sugarcube store- the wealth of knowledge in this room was almost unthinkable!
He trotted into the driver's area and looked at the console. It seemed to be mostly intact- a couple of the buttons had fallen off, but mostly alright otherwise. He touched his horn to the console. Instantly, the layout of the car appeared apparent to him- and there were a lot of problems. Rusted over gears, unconnected wires, bolts having been disintegrated over the march of the interregnum since the Great Cataclysm.
"Looks like I've got my work cut out for me here." Jigsaw muttered to himself.
Tiptoe gasped in wonder as the entire car appeared to be encased in a swirling ball of blue light. She looked in to see Jigsaw's horn was spewing off a brighter blue light than she had ever seen. Inside the car, time itself seemed to be moving backwards. Tears in the fabric on the chairs restitched itself, the metal seemed to regain its luster, the cracks in the glass healed. Metal objects from around the station flew up and appeared to bend themselves into complicated shapes, then fly under the carriage to attach themselves to some unknown mechanism.
The blue light faded from Jigsaw's horn, and he collapsed and slumped forwards on to the control panel. Tiptoe ran up to him.
"Jigsaw! Jigsaw are you okay?"
His eyes fluttered open. "I'm fine, I just did a rather large spell there. I might be out of it for a while."
Tiptoe looked around the compartment. Lights were flicking on and some large mechanism was whirring into life. With a jerk and a screech, the car began to move forwards.
"You can do all that, but you can't fix my sprained wing?" She said, laughing.
"Machines are easier than ponies. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to rest for a while."
Tiptoe led him over to one of the rows of seats, which he promptly climbed upon and fell asleep. Tiptoe climbed onto the row next to him and closed her eyes, too.
Last edited by **cutey_larl** on Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:13 pm; edited 3 times in total | |
| | | Relora Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776 Join date : 2010-11-30 Age : 26 Location : Define "Location"
| Subject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT! Wed Oct 12, 2011 2:59 pm | |
| Red= Thigs that didn't transition well or poor word choice ( I didn't really focus on this though) Italics= You tend to not put a space between two words, these were my corrections of it... there were A LOT! Bold=Grammar corrections, again not my focus. I really was just trying to make it a appear like a story and part of the English language lol Underlined= You must put a space after punctuation (not before, and I don't think you did it with dialogue) Other wise it's hard to see sentences) - My corrections, of chapter 1:
Legends spoke of a time when the moon and the sun moved across the sky at the behest of two great goddesses, but those times had long since passed. One day, they simply went... missing. No trace or hint of their whereabouts were ever found, and worse, the sun and moon froze in place above the planet.
At first it hadn't been too bad- ponies on the day lit side frolicked and enjoyed the constant sunshine, while the ponies on the night side enjoyed the cool calm of the world at night.Then, things began to take a turn for the worse...10,000 years later, Jigsaw's horn shone a blue light on the dark walls of the cave. A creamy yellow pegasus trotted along behind him. Both shot glances over their shoulders every few minutes."Are you sure we're going the right way, Jigsaw?" said the pegasus.
"Relax, Tiptoe," Jigsaw said, squeezing through a pile of collapsed rocks that lay in their path. "I've made this trip four times now, and the worst thing I've had to deal with is cave-ins." "Cave-ins?" yelped Tiptoe, her wings quivering against her flanks. "What are we supposed to do if something blocks our way?"Jigsaw's horn glowed a brighter blue, and a rock that lay near Tiptoe's hoof moved out of her way. "'I'll lift it," he said, matter-of-factly.To be perfectly honest with himself, Jigsaw was just as scared as his new apprentice. He'd been put in charge of the tribe's water management system several years ago. The cave had a massive system of pipes, valves, and tubes linking the general populace to the only source of water for hundreds of miles: a vast, underground lake.
At onetime, the lake had been a safe and even pleasant place to visit, but those days were long gone. Horrible creatures had moved into the lake, and any visit there risked a fight with one of them. Jigsaw's job wasn't easy, even if he didn't have to worry about things lurking in the dark. He had to adjust and reroute the water depending on broken pipes or areas that had fallen to the monsters- and there were more of those every year. The very survival of his civilization depended on it.
This year, however, the Tribunal had seen fit to give him an assistant to train. Jigsaw found it strange that her special talent was stealth. How could that help him? He tried not to think about it that much, though. He was glad he was no longer alone. The blue light cast by Jigsaw's horn made sharp shadows appear on the rocks ahead of him
Tiptoe ruffled her wings.She never thought she'd be going into the lower sections of the cave. No pony did-except for water maintenance and some "daring" adventurers. The Tribunal had been attempting to put a stop to it for years- their numbers had already been reduced dangerously. There had been a time where thousands of ponies lived down there- you could still find the empty, carved-out caverns if you walked far enough. But ever since the Grand Cataclysm so long ago, they had sealed themselves off from the outside world of sun and desolation and attempted to make a life in the caves. They numbered only in the hundreds now.
Suddenly, the claustrophobic tunnels opened up to a narrow walkway that spanned the length of the cavern, ending with a spiral staircase that led up into a smooth rock sphere cut into the ceiling. Metal pipes ran out in all directions and down into the lake. Mercifully, the water was still and nothing stirred in the darkness. Jigsaw trotted out first and slowly made his way towards the staircase. The top of it stretched off towards the cavern’s ceiling
Tiptoe spread her wings wide. How she wished she could take off! She'd never seen a room so large. She could do more than just hover- she could really soar! Unfortunately, she knew that that was a bad idea. Something could be lurking up there.
Back with the tribe, the largest room they had was the main chamber, and that was no more than the height of twenty ponies. Pegasi were ground-ridden most of the time. Sometimes, in excavating caverns, there were drop-offs that required pegasi to fly over to help to build a bridge, but those were few and far between. Pegasi were still treated well- the Tribunal was made of two delegates from each type of pony, but the pegasi as a race were declining. Less and less were born, and more and more earth ponies were taking their place. Some pegasi never even got their cutie marks at all. Tiptoe was one of the lucky ones- her feather cutie mark represented her light weight and ability to sneak, which had proven very useful when attempting to clear out monster infestations. That’s how she came to be assigned to work with Jigsaw. She was supposed to find ways around creatures instead of confronting them.
"C’mon, Tip!" Jigsaw yelled at the pegasus. She was simply standing there at the tunnel mouth, her wings spread wide, her jaw agape. "Silly pony," he said to himself,"she wouldn't last a second on her own. "He knew the feeling, though. The cavern was the largest room in the entire cave complex- so large that no pony had ever walked the circumference around the lake, or atleast, no pony that tried ever made it back. The ceiling was several hundred feet up and shrouded in darkness
She trotted up to the staircase and clambered up the wide stone steps towards the stone sphere that served as the control panel for all the water systems throughout the cave. Even the sphere, which seemed tiny in this enormous cavern, was wide enough [inside for about thirty ponies to stand abreast. Jigsaw was waiting for her at the top."Okay, this is how it works. First step is to turn on the working lights." He flipped a switch and the room hummed to life. Various dials and gauges on the walls began moving and from somewhere up above a ticker began printing readouts on paper that had yellowed with age.
A deep rumble shook the room, a splash could be heard below, and a huge reptilian head shot out of the water and raced up towards the shining orb on the ceiling. It was triangular and had milky white eyes that appeared to glow yellow in the harsh light from the viewing port that wrapped around the orb."What IS that thing?" Jigsaw yelled, jumping behind Tiptoe and putting his horn out hastily. "I've never seen anything like it!"
Amazingly, seeing the two ponies in the room, the serpent appeared to recoil and slink back into the water. The two ponies looked at each other and shared a nervous giggle. A bright light shot out from where the dragon had been, metal pipes groaned and snapped, and the sphere broke free and plunged into the water below.
Very well done, though I suggest you don't actually make this into a real story, my little pony does have a copy right for some of that stuff. 7/10 ~Work on spacing ~Grammar (I saw a few issues) ~Originality ;] Go my little pony!!! | |
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| Subject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT! Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:08 pm | |
| I'm bad at grammar but I'll correct...I guess.
Legends spoke of a time when the moon and the sun moved across the sky at thebehest of two great goddesses, but those times had long since passed. One day, they simply went missing. No trace or hint of their whereabouts were ever found, and worse, the sun and moon froze in place above the planet. At first it hadn't been too bad. Ponies on the daylit side frolicked and enjoyed the constant sunshine, while the ponies on the night side enjoyed the cool calm of the world at night.Then, things began to take a turn for the worse--10,000 years later, Jigsaw's horn shone a blue light on the dark walls of the cave. A creamy, yellow pegasus trotted along behind him. Both shot glances over their shoulders every few minutes."Are you sure we're going the right way, Jigsaw?" said the pegasus."Relax, Tiptoe," Jigsaw said, squeezing through a pile of collapsed rocks that lay in their path. "I've made this trip four times now, and the worst thing I've had to deal with is cave-ins. "Cave-ins?" yelped Tiptoe, her wings quivering against her flanks. "What are we supposed to do if something blocks our way?"Jigsaw's horn glowed a brighter blue, and a rock that lay near Tiptoe's hoof moved out of her way. "I'll lift it," he said, matter-of-factly. To be perfectly honest with himself, Jigsaw was just as scared as his new apprentice.He'd been put in charge of the tribe's water management system several years ago.The cave had a massive system of pipes, valves, and tubes linking the general populaceto the only source of water for hundreds of miles: a vast, underground lake. At onetime, the lake had been a safe and even pleasant place to visit, but those days werelong gone. Horrible creatures had moved into the lake, and any visit there risked afight with one of them.Jigsaw's job wasn't easy, even if he didn't have to worry about things lurking in the dark. He had to adjust and reroute the water depending on broken pipes or areas thathad fallen to the monsters- and there were more of those every year. The very survivalof his civilization depended on it. This year, however, the Tribunal had seen fit to givehim an assistant to train. Jigsaw found it strange that her special talent was stealth.How could that help him? He tried not to think about it that much, though. He wasglad he was no longer alone.The blue light cast by Jigsaw's horn made sharp shadows appear on the rocks ahead ofhim. Tiptoe ruffled her wings.She never thought she'd be going into the lower sections of the cave. Nopony did-except for water maintenance and some "daring" adventurers. The Tribunal had beenattempting to put a stop to it for years- their numbers had already been reduceddangerously.There had been a time where thousands of ponies lived down there- you could still findthe empty, carved-out caverns if you walked far enough. But ever since the GrandCataclysm so long ago, they had sealed themselves off from the outside world of sunand desolation and attempted to make a life in the caves. They numbered only in thehundreds now.Suddenly, the claustrophobic tunnels opened up to a narrow walkway that spannedthe length of the cavern, ending with a spiral staircase that led up into a smooth rocksphere cut into the ceiling. Metal pipes ran out in all directions and down into the lake.Mercifully, the water was still and nothing stirred in the darkness.Jigsaw trotted out first and slowly made his way towards the staircase. The top of itstretched off towards the cavern’s ceiling. Tiptoe spread her wings wide. How shewished she could take off! She'd never seen a room so large. She could do more thanjust hover- she could really soar! Unfortunately, she knew that that was a bad idea.Something could be lurking up there.Back with the tribe, the largest room they had was the main chamber, and that wasno more than the height of twenty ponies. Pegasi were ground-ridden most of thetime. Sometimes, in excavating caverns, there were drop-offs that required pegasi tofly over to help to build a bridge, but those were few and far between. Pegasi were stilltreated well- the Tribunal was made of two delegates from each type of pony, but thepegasi as a race were declining. Less and less were born, and more and more earthponies were taking their place. Some pegasi never even got their cutie marks at all.Tiptoe was one of the lucky ones- her feather cutie mark represented her light weightand ability to sneak, which had proven very useful when attempting to clear outmonster infestations. That’s how she came to be assigned to work with Jigsaw. Shewas supposed to find ways around creatures instead of confronting them."C’mon, Tip!" Jigsaw yelled at the pegasus. She was simply standing there at thetunnel mouth, her wings spread wide, her jaw agape. "Silly pony," he said to himself,"she wouldn't last a second on her own. "He knew the feeling, though. (LOLWUT) The cavern was the largest room in the entire cavecomplex- so large that nopony had ever walked the circumference around the lake, orat least, nopony that tried ever made it back. The ceiling was several hundred feet upand shrouded in darkness.She trotted up to the staircase and clambered up the wide stone steps towards the stonesphere that served as the control panel for all the water systems throughout the cave.Even the sphere, which seemed tiny in this enormous cavern, was wide enough inside for about thirty ponies to stand abreast. Jigsaw was waiting for her at the top."Okay, this is how it works;" He flipped a switch and the room hummed to life. ''first step is to turn on the working lights." Various dials and gauges on thewalls began moving and from somewhere up above a ticker began printing readoutson paper that had yellowed with age.A deep rumble shook the room, a splash could be heard below, and a huge reptilianhead shot out of the water and raced up towards the shining orb on the ceiling. It wastriangular and had milky white eyes that appeared to glow yellow in the harsh lightfrom the viewing port that wrapped around the orb."What IS that thing?" Jigsaw yelled, jumping behind Tiptoe and putting his horn outhastily. "I've never seen anything like it!"Amazingly, seeing the two ponies in the room, the serpent appeared to recoil and slinkback into the water. The two ponies looked at each other and shared a nervous giggle.A bright light shot out from where the dragon had been, metal pipes groaned andsnapped, and the sphere broke free and plunged into the water below.
I'd correct more but I'm too lazy right now. You could use microsoft word to correct your mistakes. Also, each sentence has to have two spaces.
Hope I helped. o3o |
| | | taehyung Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3089 Join date : 2011-07-15 Age : 23 Location : somewhere
| Subject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT! Thu Oct 13, 2011 4:43 am | |
| Thanks for the Tips I'll Try to improve | |
| | | Blue Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3257 Join date : 2011-05-04 Age : 110 Location : How am I supposed to know? D; LOCATING MYSELF IS HARD.
| Subject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT! Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:01 am | |
| It's amazing! Nice story, just put capitals and spaces in the right places! | |
| | | taehyung Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3089 Join date : 2011-07-15 Age : 23 Location : somewhere
| Subject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT! Fri Oct 14, 2011 4:48 am | |
| Chapter 2 IS OUT !!! There r Pictures!!! | |
| | | taehyung Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3089 Join date : 2011-07-15 Age : 23 Location : somewhere
| Subject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT! Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:12 pm | |
| Chapter 3 is out!! Please Rate or critque | |
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| Subject: Re: Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT! | |
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| | | | Antipodes Chapter 3 IS OUT! | |
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