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 The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in.

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John_Rocks
Regular Fantagian
John_Rocks

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The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. Empty
PostSubject: The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in.   The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. EmptyFri Oct 14, 2011 7:18 pm

Hello... My name is Eric and I am 9. I live in a house that is haunted.. I live with my 3 sisters, Tammy is 4 Jessica is 13 and Emily is 8. My parents think its nonsense but..its not I know its real. If you don't believe me then you should not be listening then. It all started on a warm sunny day, I sighed I had to move somewhere else without my friends. My best friends were: Anne Josh Joey and Emma.

A few days later.. My parents had said: " Alright Eric time to go!" As I loaded my stuff I noticed two girls chatting but one looked weird I thought " Its nothing.." Just then I heard a knock on the door. My mom said " Oh goody Goody!" She rushed to the door. One of the odd looking girls came in. She greeted my mom and dad. I kind of thought she was pretty. Her name was Maple. Just then I heard laughing coming from Tammy's room. I knocked on her door and shouted " COME ON TAMMY COMPANY!" then the laughing stopped I said " come on Tammy" I heard a creek on the door I said " Tammy are you trying to scare me?" After I could not take it anymore. I barged in. With a very scared and shocked face. I did not see Tammy. Come to think of it where are my sisters!?!? " Oh no Oh no!" I looked everywhere. Then I asked my parents " Where is Tammy Jessica and Emily? " My dad replied " Well Tammy is ASP now, and Jessica is out with her friends and last Emily is at her soccer game." Go EMILY he shouted. I sighed with relief. As the day went on.. It turned dark. I knew this house was haunted cob webs,Bats,and vampires and many more. As I walked out to get a midnight snack.. I heard a creek in Emily's room. I decided to check on her. Then I saw she was gone. And I sat there like a coward didn't know what to do in front of strangers. Just then the Strange woman said something.


I froze..


Wait for chapter 2~Marshell lee
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FruitCake
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FruitCake

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The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in.   The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. EmptySun Oct 23, 2011 10:47 am

wow freddy thats great even though i want to kill you bad
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Katie_Forever
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Katie_Forever

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Join date : 2011-06-30
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Location : Lala Land :)

The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in.   The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. EmptySun Oct 23, 2011 10:50 am

Its pretty good. It does need a bit of work though Smile
Good job.
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Blue
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Blue

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Age : 107
Location : How am I supposed to know? D; LOCATING MYSELF IS HARD.

The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in.   The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. EmptySun Oct 23, 2011 10:54 am

Wow love it. I can't wait for the next chapter. You did a pretty good job!
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Guest
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The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in.   The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. EmptySun Oct 23, 2011 11:22 am

It needs work. i sense grammar mistakes. x3

Also you spelled, "Marshall Lee" wrong. lololol
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Blackrose
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Blackrose

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Join date : 2010-07-20

The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in.   The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. EmptySun Oct 23, 2011 11:26 am

Separate things in to Paragraphs. Meaning it needs work, since everything's kinda crumpled in two, one small and one big paragraph.

Other then that your doing a super job.
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Usui
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Usui

Posts : 5275
Join date : 2011-09-09
Age : 21
Location : Worldbuscus

The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in.   The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. EmptySun Oct 23, 2011 7:38 pm

nice story freddy :]
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-♥Sweet19971♥-
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-♥Sweet19971♥-

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The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in.   The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. EmptyTue Oct 25, 2011 8:03 am

Awesome Story
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Blue
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Blue

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Location : How am I supposed to know? D; LOCATING MYSELF IS HARD.

The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in.   The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. EmptyTue Oct 25, 2011 8:07 am

I think I can replace the first sentence c:

Instead of, "Hello... My name is Eric and I am 9. I live in a house that is haunted.." you could write "Hello... My name is Eric and I am 9. I live in a house that I know is haunted.

Just saying ^^
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Mila
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The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in.   The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. EmptyWed Oct 26, 2011 4:50 pm

scary GOOD , confsing i lost track where i was heehee i thought it was really good
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The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in.   The haunted house ~ Chapter 1 Moving in. Empty

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