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 Chapter 2, A shocking question!

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. w .
Senior Fantagian


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Join date : 2011-09-18

PostSubject: Chapter 2, A shocking question!   Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:12 pm

As i ran.. I knew i had to get revenge so i yelled at Rose but.. That gave me detention.. When i was walking with my friends 1 of my friends said... " I can't belive it you got detention! " It sounded like she scoffed and i said " Is that a insult? " I said quietly..She yelled in my face and walked away! I hid my tears. Josh and Amy had a shocked face..After talked i got home where peace was..My mom was cooking.. And i ate dinner after i put on my fav Pjs and went to bed. The next day... There was a new student his name was Pj.He looked cute but looked like a nerd Amy thought he is so cute she said " Should i go for it? " Me and Josh said " No" Amy had a sad face and said " OK.." Then the cute boy was talking to Josh he said " Hey who is that girl over there? " My face became hot because he was looked at me Josh became mad. He said " Eli" In a angry voice. Pj was a bit scared but he said '' Cool.." He walked over to me and said... " Will you be my girlfriend?"


Wait for chapter 3!


Last edited by pikachu160 on Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Blackrose
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 2, A shocking question!   Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:13 pm

whoa Shocked pretty good and the ending is pretty shocking
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. w .
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 2, A shocking question!   Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:14 pm

OwO thank you..

And thats why i put the title like that Lol.
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Bubbles
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 2, A shocking question!   Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:14 pm

good job *clap clap* better then first my question is: how long did it take you to make this entire chapter?
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. w .
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 2, A shocking question!   Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:15 pm

only about... 5 mintues xD
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 2, A shocking question!   Sat Oct 01, 2011 1:14 pm

As I ran I knew I had to get revenge so I yelled at Rose but, that gave me detention. When I was walking with my friends 1 of my friends said... " I can't belive it you got detention! " It sounded like she scoffed and i said " Is that a insult? " I said quietly..She yelled in my face and walked away! I hid my tears. Josh and Amy had a shocked face..After talked i got home where peace was..My mom was cooking.. And i ate dinner after I put on my fav Pjs and went to bed. The next day... There was a new student his name was PJ.He looked cute but looked like a nerd Amy thought he is so cute she said " Should i go for it? " Josh and I said "No" Amy had a sad face and said " OK.." Then the cute boy was talking to Josh he said " Hey who is that girl over there? " My face became hot because he was looked at me Josh became mad. He said " Eli" In a angry voice. PJ was a bit scared but he said '' Cool.." He walked over to me and said... " Will you be my girlfriend?"

Guh I didn't even bother finishing there are so many grammatical errors in this I didn't even bother.

~CAPITOL I's. When an 'I' is alone It is capitol .-.
~Me and Josh is incorrect. It would be Josh and I
~When you use dialogue repeatedly you. must. star. a. new paragraph. I.E.
"Well I just loved the story"Cherry said
"Meh. It was.....okay" George replied.
"Either it was good or bad in truth, I don't give a hoot" I said truthfully.
Otherwise it looks like the blob of words you carelessly put together.
~You put two period at the end of. every. sentence. It was aggravating and annoying please be more careful next time.
~Please refrain from saying 'I said' a billion times. Try other more advanced vocabulary instead like, replied, questioned, answered, snapped etc.
~You used an oxymoron once. That's one of the only good things in that chapter. Congrats.
~Sentences don't ever start with the word 'and'
~When using description use similes, oxymorons, metaphors, hyperbol's etc. Those spice up the writing. BUT refrain from using onomatopoeia. That's like five year old wrinting when you use it.


There's more to go over but I'm sure someone will get on that.

3/10 is my rating.

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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 2, A shocking question!   Sat Oct 01, 2011 1:19 pm

3/10
You cannot write a chapter in five minutes. There's a lot of grammar mistakes in there and spelling mistakes.
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. w .
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 2, A shocking question!   Sat Oct 01, 2011 1:39 pm

>O<

TOO MUCH CORRECTONS I WILL EXPLODE!
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 2, A shocking question!   Today at 6:09 pm

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