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valley_ball_70 wrote:

to Mr. Toast

what do you mean??

hon she's correcting you with the wrong grammer:)

cant wait for chapter 5

YOU STORY IS FLIPPING AMAZING TEACH ME MASTER *looks up humbly*

At least you capitalized~ Getting better :3

I like it! Just a few critiques...


1. Grammar of course.
2. I'm kind of confused on what's happening.
3. You should explain a bit better.

' I walked into my classroom and saw a man dressed in black. He surely was not a kid, and he grabbed for me. I almost screamed when he stopped me with his callus-full hand. Surprisingly no other student noticed but the bully, Nadia. She smiled devilishly as the man carried me out. '

your grammer is getting better hon ;D

cool

cool good you you

When I grabbed my gear I was now going to how you say "borrow" the ball. The man looked up at the blue lighty walls. "Sir? Can I start my mission." I gulped. He twitched his eye a little than wiggled his terrible, skinny hands. He sure needs a manicure! "No not just yet, you have to promise not to flee this mission." The man said. "I promise." I smiled. Well as you know no one promises these days, so i crossed my little fingers and smiled innocently. The man gave me a horrible looking smile . It more looked like he was constipated. "Okay now if to complete this mission you will be free and leave. If you don't, well I hope you loo good in prison orange." The man said. "Now hold on a bit. I am going to fail? Have you ever tried this? Can i please get ans-" "Child!! Why are you so needy and annoying?" The man said. One thing i hated was to be called those two words. Needy and annoying. Now I really was going to break my promise. I smiled evilly and listen to more of the plan ......

i wish i could write the next chapter ):

Awesome! I just love all the chapters. Keep up with the good work!

Guh please refrain from using emotes in your stories they are rather annoying.

Also when dialogue between two+ characters is happening you needa start a new line I.E.

"Sarah you are just pathetic" Rose said straining her voice
"Shut it rose I am in no need of your constant badgering and control just leave me alone"
"Psh if it wasn't for me we wouldn't even be alive" Rose yelled
"What ever..." Sarahs voice faded slowly away with every letter.

Much neater and easier to read.

ugh! well sorry

That's not something you should be sorry for, it's more of something to use to improve.

yah...

Whoa wall of text.

Yeah, what Relora said.

mmm