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 Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)

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PatrickPower2013
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PostSubject: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 5:31 am

*Note this is not real* I will tell you if its real or not.
One day when I woke up it just like any normal day.
I got ready and everything.
But there was one thing.
I got snowed in!
And the power turned off.
I was scared.
My mom was in a very deep sleep.
I tryed calling my grandma but that didn't work.
Aunt? Not that either. To be continued

Okay next time I will write it ahead of time.
So next time it shall be better.
What do you think?
No mean comments!
~Patrick
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 5:54 am

it's little scared me lol
is that real ?
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 7:13 am

@sweet Patrick said it was not real.

Nice story, Patrick! It's awesome.
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PatrickPower2013
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 2:48 pm

Thanks
Maybe Ill do Chapter 2 this weekend.
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 3:19 pm

i dont think that teeny paragraph is much of a chapter..........
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:00 pm

12senna12 wrote:
i dont think that teeny paragraph is much of a chapter..........
Did you read the tittle
Chapter 1 Beta!!!
plus if you dont like it just ignore this then.
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:02 pm

This probably didn't even take 4 minutes. Sorry. You're not supposed to spell sentences with, "And" or "But" and you skipped lines. If I were you I would refer it and add some details because it's not even a paragraph, LOL. The grammer is bad and so is the spelling. Sorry again. Here:

One day when I woke up it just like any normal day, I got ready and everything; I put on a sweatshirt and some jogging pants with Nikes. It was freezing, even in the house and I could see it snowing. There was snow covering cars and lots of stairsteps, but there was one thing; I got snowed in! Man, no wonder it was deep. I tried to turn on the light, but it didn't work. I checked to make sure to plugged in, and I realized the power was out. It was so dark, and I was really scared. My mom was dead asleep, I pushed her trying to wake her up but she didn't move or make a grunt or sound. I walked near the phone and dialed my grandmother's cell number but she didn't pick up. I called about 3 times, and then tried my aunt. Didn't work.

See how much you can add?
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:06 pm

Mr.Taost wrote:
This probably didn't even take 4 minutes. Sorry. You're not supposed to spell sentences with, "And" or "But" and you skipped lines. If I were you I would refer it and add some details because it's not even a paragraph, LOL. The grammer is bad and so is the spelling. Sorry again. Here:

One day when I woke up it just like any normal day, I got ready and everything; I put on a sweatshirt and some jogging pants with Nikes. It was freezing, even in the house and I could see it snowing. There was snow covering cars and lots of stairsteps, but there was one thing; I got snowed in! Man, no wonder it was deep. I tried to turn on the light, but it didn't work. I checked to make sure to plugged in, and I realized the power was out. It was so dark, and I was really scared. My mom was dead asleep, I pushed her trying to wake her up but she didn't move or make a grunt or sound. I walked near the phone and dialed my grandmother's cell number but she didn't pick up. I called about 3 times, and then tried my aunt. Didn't work.

See how much you can add?
Can anyone read?
I was going to school soon and I was just thinking of a little preview.
The real story I will type on Microsoft word.
Not trying to be rude.
And grammar.
Its just fine.
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:09 pm

patrick1553 wrote:
Mr.Taost wrote:
This probably didn't even take 4 minutes. Sorry. You're not supposed to spell sentences with, "And" or "But" and you skipped lines. If I were you I would refer it and add some details because it's not even a paragraph, LOL. The grammer is bad and so is the spelling. Sorry again. Here:

One day when I woke up it just like any normal day, I got ready and everything; I put on a sweatshirt and some jogging pants with Nikes. It was freezing, even in the house and I could see it snowing. There was snow covering cars and lots of stairsteps, but there was one thing; I got snowed in! Man, no wonder it was deep. I tried to turn on the light, but it didn't work. I checked to make sure to plugged in, and I realized the power was out. It was so dark, and I was really scared. My mom was dead asleep, I pushed her trying to wake her up but she didn't move or make a grunt or sound. I walked near the phone and dialed my grandmother's cell number but she didn't pick up. I called about 3 times, and then tried my aunt. Didn't work.

See how much you can add?
Can anyone read?
I was going to school soon and I was just thinking of a little preview.
The real story I will type on Microsoft word.
Not trying to be rude.
And grammar.
Its just fine.

Orly now? You didn't even spell "tried" right. Dude I'm nine and I could spell it. You're supposed to learn that in like 5th grade on how to start a sentence with and and but. I was helping you.
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:10 pm

Okay okay.
Have it your way.
No one ever agrees with me.
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:11 pm

No one should. Wink Good luck with that hun.
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:17 pm

@Mr.toast Wow thats just so rude
Thanks alot hun (:
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:19 pm

Lol
You were the one being rude and mking spam topics. Gtfo. ;3
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:20 pm

Okay im getting off if you dont stop Sad Sad Sad
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:24 pm

patrick1553 wrote:
Okay im getting off if you dont stop Sad Sad Sad

LOL
You already got banned, hun. If you're going to cry over something as stupid as this I suggest you do if you can't handle something as simple as this. They're tougher things in life, m'dear. Nice job on the emotes btw Rolling Eyes
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:26 pm

Look im sorry
Its just my mom always gives me a hard time.
She always yells at me and shes so rude
Thats why im glad im going to my grandmas for the weekend.
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:31 pm

patrick1553 wrote:
Look im sorry
Its just my mom always gives me a hard time.
She always yells at me and shes so rude
Thats why im glad im going to my grandmas for the weekend.

Hun, you don't have a mom that hits you and pulls you by your hair if you don't do something, and you don't have a mom that yells so loud it can mess up your hearing. You don't have a mom that has a boyfriend who claps in your ear and curses at you, and a mom who fights every night. You don't have a dad who does drugs and hides thing behind his daughters' back and a dad who used to sell drugs, a dad who has gone to jail many times. You don't fight with your sisters every day or a family who is divorced. You don't have a dad who you only see every sometimes who sometimes cancelled the meeting. I'm still greatful for the house I have and my family. I'm not trying to be an attention whoar or anything just seriously, respect your mom.
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 9:04 pm

Mr.Taost wrote:
patrick1553 wrote:
Look im sorry
Its just my mom always gives me a hard time.
She always yells at me and shes so rude
Thats why im glad im going to my grandmas for the weekend.

Hun, you don't have a mom that hits you and pulls you by your hair if you don't do something, and you don't have a mom that yells so loud it can mess up your hearing. You don't have a mom that has a boyfriend who claps in your ear and curses at you, and a mom who fights every night. You don't have a dad who does drugs and hides thing behind his daughters' back and a dad who used to sell drugs, a dad who has gone to jail many times. You don't fight with your sisters every day or a family who is divorced. You don't have a dad who you only see every sometimes who sometimes cancelled the meeting. I'm still greatful for the house I have and my family. I'm not trying to be an attention whoar or anything just seriously, respect your mom.

did any of this happen to you? o.O
I almost lost my mom 2 or 3 times from a diabetic coma,I'm thankful for it all
LOVE YA MOM<3
Patrick,people agree with you,you just don't notice...Stop acting 2 please kthx.
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 9:20 pm

xXlexiXx wrote:
Mr.Taost wrote:
patrick1553 wrote:
Look im sorry
Its just my mom always gives me a hard time.
She always yells at me and shes so rude
Thats why im glad im going to my grandmas for the weekend.

Hun, you don't have a mom that hits you and pulls you by your hair if you don't do something, and you don't have a mom that yells so loud it can mess up your hearing. You don't have a mom that has a boyfriend who claps in your ear and curses at you, and a mom who fights every night. You don't have a dad who does drugs and hides thing behind his daughters' back and a dad who used to sell drugs, a dad who has gone to jail many times. You don't fight with your sisters every day or a family who is divorced. You don't have a dad who you only see every sometimes who sometimes cancelled the meeting. I'm still greatful for the house I have and my family. I'm not trying to be an attention whoar or anything just seriously, respect your mom.

did any of this happen to you? o.O
I almost lost my mom 2 or 3 times from a diabetic coma,I'm thankful for it all
LOVE YA MOM<3
Patrick,people agree with you,you just don't notice...Stop acting 2 please kthx.

It all happened to me. It is still going on. I feel bad for you, Lexi. Give her a hug for me, please.
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 9:28 pm

@Patrick ; I think if you're going to brainstorm for ideas, you can do it without posting it. And when you write your story, do make sure to type it in a correct format. It is irritating and distracting to the reader. The way you are formatting your writing makes the piece look as if it's a poem or something...

Mr.Taost wrote:
This probably didn't even take 4 minutes. Sorry. 1. You're not supposed to spell sentences with, "And" or "But" and you skipped lines. If I were you I would refer it and add some details because it's not even a paragraph, LOL. 2. The grammer is bad and so is the spelling. Sorry again. Here:

3. One day when I woke up it just like any normal day, I got ready and everything; I put on a sweatshirt and some jogging pants with Nikes. It was freezing, even in the house and I could see it snowing. There was snow covering cars and lots of stairsteps, but there was one thing; I got snowed in! Man, no wonder it was deep. I tried to turn on the light, but it didn't work. 4. I checked to make sure to plugged in, and I realized the power was out. It was so dark, and I was really scared. 5. My mom was dead asleep, I pushed her trying to wake her up but she didn't move or make a grunt or sound. I walked near the phone and dialed my grandmother's cell number but she didn't pick up. I called about 3 times, and then tried my aunt. Didn't work.

See how much you can add?

1. Actually, you can. Your teachers just tell you that because they don't want you making the mistake of making a fragment into a sentence. Example: I want to the beach. And ate. This is a fragment. Although, if you use it like this: "People love to use makeup at a young age because they want to look old. But, it actually makes them look older." This isn't a fragment. It's a full sentence.

2. I'm correcting your grammar in your example...

3. One day when I woke up, it was(?) just like any normal day.(Using a comma there makes the two complete thoughts combined. You are creating a run-on sentence. Either use a semicolon, period, or a comma and a conjunction.) I got ready and everything; I put on a sweatshirt and some jogging pants with Nikes.

4. I checked to make sure to plugged in, and I realized the power was out.

5. My mom was dead asleep. I pushed her trying to wake her up, but she didn't move or make a grunt or sound run-on sentence

Your family situation is your personal situation. His family situation is his situation. It's unnecessary to practically brag and tell how much worse your family situation is compared to his. I understand that you want him to appreciate his mom and everything, but are people not allowed to complain because there are people who have it much worse? If this is what you mean, I'm sure there are other kids who have worse family situations than you as well. Take children who were murdered by their own parents for an example. Please do not take this personally.


Last edited by Crownie on Fri Oct 07, 2011 9:34 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 9:34 pm

Crownie wrote:
@Patrick ; I think if you're going to brainstorm for ideas you can do it without posting it. And when you write your story, do make sure to type it in a correct format. It is irritating and distracting to the reader. The way you are formatting it makes the writing piece look as if it's a poem or something...

Mr.Taost wrote:
This probably didn't even take 4 minutes. Sorry. 1. You're not supposed to spell sentences with, "And" or "But" and you skipped lines. If I were you I would refer it and add some details because it's not even a paragraph, LOL. 2. The grammer is bad and so is the spelling. Sorry again. Here:

3. One day when I woke up it just like any normal day, I got ready and everything; I put on a sweatshirt and some jogging pants with Nikes. It was freezing, even in the house and I could see it snowing. There was snow covering cars and lots of stairsteps, but there was one thing; I got snowed in! Man, no wonder it was deep. I tried to turn on the light, but it didn't work. 4. I checked to make sure to plugged in, and I realized the power was out. It was so dark, and I was really scared. 5. My mom was dead asleep, I pushed her trying to wake her up but she didn't move or make a grunt or sound. I walked near the phone and dialed my grandmother's cell number but she didn't pick up. I called about 3 times, and then tried my aunt. Didn't work.

See how much you can add?

1. Actually, you can. Your teachers just tell you that because they don't want you making the mistake of making a fragment into a sentence. Example: I want to the beach. And ate. This is a fragment. Although, if you use it like this: "People love to use makeup at a young age because they want to look old. But, it actually makes them look older." This isn't a fragment. It's a full sentence.

2. I'm correcting your grammar in your example...

3. One day when I woke up, it was(?) just like any normal day.(Using a comma there makes the two complete thoughts combined. You are creating a run-on sentence. Either use a semicolon, period, or a comma and a conjunction.) I got ready and everything; I put on a sweatshirt and some jogging pants with Nikes.


4. I checked to make sure to plugged in, and I realized the power was out.

5. My mom was dead asleep. I pushed her trying to wake her up, but she didn't move or make a grunt or sound run-on sentence

Your family situation is your personal situation. His family situation is his situation. It's unnecessary to practically brag and tell how much worse your family situation is compared to his. I understand that you want him to appreciate his mom and everything, but are people not allowed to complain because there are people who have it much worse? If this is what you mean, I'm sure there are other kids who have worse family situations than you as well. Take children who were murdered by their own parents for an example. Please do not take this personally.

It's okay, and I wasn't bragging. I was telling him to chill the eff down. My teacher told me about the "and" thing, but she hasn't taught us that yet on how to teach us how to start it with and. It took me like five minutes to make that simple and stupid paragraph so I didn't correct it.
I always do that with "grammar" I know how it's spelled but I always mess up because I don't pay attention to spelling on the internet, only in school. Lul.
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 9:43 pm

There is another way of telling him to chill out. You didn't have to tell him your whole story about your family issues. You could have just said those last three words.
"Respect your mom."
No need to bring up your situation and compare yours to his, you know?

Added: If you're going to revise and correct, I think you should take time and do it. It looks reallyyy contradicting when you are talking about him having bad grammar. You said he probably did that in less than four minutes. You said you wrote that paragraph really quick. Aren't you both in the same kind of situation: having bad grammar because you wrote it too quickly?
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Fri Oct 07, 2011 10:10 pm

Awesome chapter I doesn't have to be perfect.

To all the ppl saying write like this or something

it's a chapter not a story Razz
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Sat Oct 08, 2011 10:40 am

Mr.Taost wrote:
xXlexiXx wrote:
Mr.Taost wrote:
patrick1553 wrote:
Look im sorry
Its just my mom always gives me a hard time.
She always yells at me and shes so rude
Thats why im glad im going to my grandmas for the weekend.

Hun, you don't have a mom that hits you and pulls you by your hair if you don't do something, and you don't have a mom that yells so loud it can mess up your hearing. You don't have a mom that has a boyfriend who claps in your ear and curses at you, and a mom who fights every night. You don't have a dad who does drugs and hides thing behind his daughters' back and a dad who used to sell drugs, a dad who has gone to jail many times. You don't fight with your sisters every day or a family who is divorced. You don't have a dad who you only see every sometimes who sometimes cancelled the meeting. I'm still greatful for the house I have and my family. I'm not trying to be an attention whoar or anything just seriously, respect your mom.

did any of this happen to you? o.O
I almost lost my mom 2 or 3 times from a diabetic coma,I'm thankful for it all
LOVE YA MOM<3
Patrick,people agree with you,you just don't notice...Stop acting 2 please kthx.

It all happened to me. It is still going on. I feel bad for you, Lexi. Give her a hug for me, please.
I hope everything works out <3 god bless you
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1 (Beta - Un Written fully)   Sat Oct 08, 2011 10:45 am

@Mr.Taost Critiques are supposed to be constructive not downgrading goodness gracious. Give the kid a break he is only a few months older then you (Maybe even a year+a few months) I suggest you stop trying to start drama on HIS thread. It's off-topic and rude.
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