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 Love Story

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Daisy
Veteran Fantagian


Posts : 3369
Join date : 2011-12-22
Age : 16
Location : In Hell, With Sebastian..

PostSubject: Love Story   Mon Dec 26, 2011 9:06 am

Hello guys. i'll be making a love story today.
and theres a video version of this too but not done yet i am still finding some actors for the video so heres the link of the video
CLICK here if you want to join the movie

Now i'll start the Story

Daniel: Hi Kathy
Kathy: Hi Daniel ( Sad )
Daniel: Kathy why are you sad?
Kathy: Um um um nothing.
Daniel: I know you Kathy please tell me I am your boyfriend
Kathy: Um am um o o our parents hate each other (CRYS)
Daniel: Yeah, I know that but dont worry Kathy Lets Find a way together
Kathy: I love you Daniel
Daniel: I love you to Kathy
(HUGS)
Kathy: Oh! Its already late,Daniel Lets go home!
Daniel: As you wish Kathy.

HOME!
Home of Kathy

Dad: Kathy its already late where did you go?
Kathy:Dad, we have a group study thats why I am late, sorry dad
Dad: Its okey sweetie buy you need to promise me that you will say the truth
Kathy: Okey dad, I am sleepy now, can i go bed now?
Dad: oh sure! by the way. Kathy, you mom will home tomorrow
(Kathy go upstairs)

Home of Daniel

Mom: Where did you go Daniel? i am worried about you
Daniel: I study in the library with my classmates
Mom: awh, okey goto bed now,, Your bad will be home tomorrow
Daniel: (Err) Okey Mom.

Room!


(Kathy Texted Daniel)

Kathy: Good night Daniel Sweet dreams I love you!

(Daniel Reaplied)

Daniel: Good night Kathy have a sweet dreams too. I love you!

THEY SLEEP!


MORNING!


Kathy: Oh! its already morning and i need to change my clothes. and have a new hairstyle

______________________________________________________________

Daniel: Oh! Its already Morning! i need to change my clothes and fix my hair, Hmmmpp, Maybe i Should get Kathy now.

( Daniel go to Kathy House )

Mom and Dad of Kathy Daw Daniel in there Backyard calling Kathy

Dad: What are you doing here?
Mom: How dare you to come here? go out!

( Kathy saw what they are doing )

Kathy: (SHOUT) Hey! Mom and Dad stop doing that! i love Daniel!!! Daniel Wait me i'll some with you.

Mom and Dad Stare to Kathy:

Mom: You will be grounded for 2weeks!!
Kathy: MOM!!!!!
Dad: Now no school.
Kathy: What?!?!?! i Hate you!
( Kathy Run to her room and lock the door )

( Kathy call Victoria )

Kathy: Hi Victoria
Victoria: Hi Kathy,Why you are not in school?
Kathy:ERRR My Mom grounded me for 2 weeks ARRG and my Dad said no school for 2weeks.
Victoria: Oh. Dont worry i'll visit you everyday.
Kathy: Thank you Victoria you are really a good friend.
(Kathy Smile)

SCHOOL!


Benjamin: Hi Daniel, Wheres Kathy?
Daniel: Nah! Shes grounded because i went to their house,,, Its my fault
Benjamin: Awh that horrible.
Daniel: I know!
Benjamin: You need to fix that.
Daniel: Yeah right Yeah right.

Thats for now guys.. that only i wrote LOL
Tomorrow i will wrote many bwhahhha.. the episode 2. xD
I hope you'll like it guys


Last edited by daisyflower143 on Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:51 am; edited 2 times in total
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Mila
Expert Fantagian


Posts : 2017
Join date : 2011-09-01

PostSubject: Re: Love Story   Mon Dec 26, 2011 9:49 am

i heard thiis before? anyways I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! ?It sounds like romo and juilet
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Daisy
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Posts : 3369
Join date : 2011-12-22
Age : 16
Location : In Hell, With Sebastian..

PostSubject: Re: Love Story   Mon Dec 26, 2011 11:10 pm

FantageLuver wrote:
i heard thiis before? anyways I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! ?It sounds like romo and juilet

Oh! Thank you.. ehhehehe i love this too.. Very Happy Very Happy.. umm i didnt see the movie of romo and juilet but i want to see it. bwhahahaah
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o
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Posts : 4269
Join date : 2011-11-11
Age : 15
Location : California

PostSubject: Re: Love Story   Tue Dec 27, 2011 12:39 am

not advertising, just expressing my emotions:
 

I don't really feel like a love story right now.
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Karen
Former Staff
Former Staff


Posts : 1530
Join date : 2010-01-29
Age : 17
Location : unicorns

PostSubject: Re: Love Story   Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:02 am

Critique: please don't be offended, this is critique. this is to help your writing improve, not to make you feel bad.

decent story, but this seems to... un-unique.
there are stories made like this EVERYWHERE.
bad way of telling it, also.. the way you're making it look like a chatbox, or texting.
example [i made]:
Jenette: Hi Tony!
Tony: Hey Jen

^^You don't write stories like that.
Stories are like;
Jenette pursed her lips together as she walked noiselessly towards the study hall. Worry was drawn all over her face, and sweat dripped down her forehead. Not paying attention to her surroundings, she bumped into Tony. Tony LeGray, the nicest, cutest, most amazing boy in all of Jasper High. She gave a little squeak of apology, and strode through the hall, this time more alert.
etc.
Also, there's incorrect grammar... And sometimes the sentences don't make sense.
For example:
"Benjamin: Hi Daniel, Wheres Kathy?
Daniel: Nah! Shes grounded because i go to there house,,, Its my fault"
what's bolded is the mistakes.
It should be:
"Benjamin: Hi Daniel, Wheres Kathy?
Daniel: Home. She's grounded because I went to their house, It's my fault."
or something like that. But if it was a real story, it would have been in a different form of context... But yeah.
Nuffsaid'(;

So it's a ...
6.5/10 for the story line/plot so far
5/10 for the grammar/awkward sentences...
Overall, it's a 5.8/10


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Daisy
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Posts : 3369
Join date : 2011-12-22
Age : 16
Location : In Hell, With Sebastian..

PostSubject: Re: Love Story   Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:12 am

Piano wrote:
Critique: please don't be offended, this is critique. this is to help your writing improve, not to make you feel bad.

decent story, but this seems to... un-unique.
there are stories made like this EVERYWHERE.
bad way of telling it, also.. the way you're making it look like a chatbox, or texting.
example [i made]:
Jenette: Hi Tony!
Tony: Hey Jen

^^You don't write stories like that.
Stories are like;
Jenette pursed her lips together as she walked noiselessly towards the study hall. Worry was drawn all over her face, and sweat dripped down her forehead. Not paying attention to her surroundings, she bumped into Tony. Tony LeGray, the nicest, cutest, most amazing boy in all of Jasper High. She gave a little squeak of apology, and strode through the hall, this time more alert.
etc.
Also, there's incorrect grammar... And sometimes the sentences don't make sense.
For example:
"Benjamin: Hi Daniel, Wheres Kathy?
Daniel: Nah! Shes grounded because i go to there house,,, Its my fault"
what's bolded is the mistakes.
It should be:
"Benjamin: Hi Daniel, Wheres Kathy?
Daniel: Home. She's grounded because I went to their house, It's my fault."
or something like that.
Nuffsaid'(;

So it's a ...
6.5/10 for the story line/plot so far
5/10 for the grammar/awkward sentences...
Overall, it's a 5.8/10



i know that.. sorry for telling this but as i said i am going to make a video in on fantage thats why i post this so that the character who want to join can read there line... okey? maybe you didnt read the first i say that i am making a video the version of video i mean i put this because this is not the real.. i am making a video for fantage okey? hmmmp sorry i cant really ex--pane


Quote :
Also, there's incorrect grammar... And sometimes the sentences don't make sense.
For example:
"Benjamin: Hi Daniel, Wheres Kathy?
Daniel: Nah! Shes grounded because i go to there house,,, Its my fault"
what's bolded is the mistakes.
It should be:
"Benjamin: Hi Daniel, Wheres Kathy?
Daniel: Home. She's grounded because I went to their house, It's my fault."
or something like that.
Nuffsaid'(;

ammmm.. remember i am just a kid i am not a girl that is very very expert.. in my school i really hate the english subject and rememberI dont grow or something in America or something something i am in philippines not all children here in phillipines are very very good AT engglish remember that please......
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Karen
Former Staff
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Posts : 1530
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Age : 17
Location : unicorns

PostSubject: Re: Love Story   Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:20 am

I turned 12 this month and I was born in the Philippines and I'm 100% Filipino.
Just pointing it out.. And I know how well Filipino kids are at English, so I take back SOME of the grammar mistakes I pointed out. It really just depends on how good your education is at school. XD
But still, you should know better than to add 3 commas next to each other:
'i go to there house,,, Its my fault'

So yeah:3
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Crownie
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Posts : 1009
Join date : 2011-09-11
Age : 20
Location : In the center of the sun.

PostSubject: Re: Love Story   Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:26 am

I'm assuming this is supposed to be like a script for your movie you are making, so I won't say anything about grammar. But in my opinion, I feel no emotion reading the script. I advise, if you're going to make a love story, make it more emotional and touching. I also think the story kind of starts out too fast or rushed, but I can see how the plot is and it is very romeo and juliet like which is a nice plot to go with. (:

Edit/Offtopic: ILIKEMAKINGLOVESTORIESTOO! ;-D
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Daisy
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Posts : 3369
Join date : 2011-12-22
Age : 16
Location : In Hell, With Sebastian..

PostSubject: Re: Love Story   Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:50 am

Crownie wrote:
I'm assuming this is supposed to be like a script for your movie you are making, so I won't say anything about grammar. But in my opinion, I feel no emotion reading the script. I advise, if you're going to make a love story, make it more emotional and touching. I also think the story kind of starts out too fast or rushed, but I can see how the plot is and it is very romeo and juliet like which is a nice plot to go with. (:

Edit/Offtopic: ILIKEMAKINGLOVESTORIESTOO! ;-D

oh thank you.. >.< thats thats only in part 1 heheheh i think ill improve it.. >.<
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saracrewe 4u
Junior Fantagian


Posts : 72
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PostSubject: Re: Love Story   Wed Dec 28, 2011 9:10 pm

hmm
kk
im Ben and Aleksandra

Can i be the teacher?
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Daisy
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Posts : 3369
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Age : 16
Location : In Hell, With Sebastian..

PostSubject: Re: Love Story   Wed Dec 28, 2011 9:40 pm

kk..
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