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| Winter: a story made by purple123 | |
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+4Trash pokeranger Valval purple123 8 posters | Author | Message |
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purple123 New Fantagian
Posts : 23 Join date : 2010-06-07
| Subject: Winter: a story made by purple123 Mon Jun 21, 2010 10:53 pm | |
| chapter one: waiting for winter I was sitting on the couch listening to the TV.then my granny came home (i heard the door). she said ''i brought delicous cake and strawberrys for dessert! i said ''cool can you give me a slice becuase i'm watching TV'' ''remember, that couch is new! so just sit in the dining room'' granny said. ''but i can't see the tv from here!'' i yelled. ''don't yell at me, Kara! when your done with that cake slice you can sit on the couch!'' said granny. ''fine..'' i said. I was looking at the window, waiting for winter.. i was dreaming about the snow on my tongue. that coldness! i couldn't wait.
chapter 2: can't wait for tommorow
when i was done with my slice, i ran to the couch. ''NO!!!! its over!! thanks alot granny'' i cried. ''you were the one who wanted a cake slice...'' said granny. ''ill go to bed! i have a stomachache.'' i said, yawning. i brushed my tooths and went to bed, and my cat Kiki curled up with me. sorry its such a short chapter!!! chapter 3: it came, but not alot i woke up and... i saw... SNOW! finally!! i umped out of bed and looked at the window... ''no!'' i yelled. there was only a bit of snow. i was looking foward to ride in my sled, never used till last winter. ''oh well...'' i thought. i went on the computer to check the temputure. it said '' a little bit of snow. but the sun will come again and it will melt!'' ''oh boy...'' i said. time to wait again.. ''i wonder if granny is up?'' i thought. i went in her bedroom and she was still sleeping.. then i went in the kitchen and the cake was left out in the middle of the night. but there was only 3 slices left! it had 8 before. well, 7, because i ate a slice. i looked at my cat, he was sitting on the 'new' couch. i looked at his mouth. there was... WHIP CREAM ON IT. ''you can't have cake!'' i said to my cat. | |
| | | Valval Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1994 Join date : 2010-01-26 Location : rainbow road♥
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Mon Jun 21, 2010 11:26 pm | |
| its good but doesn't really have a plot.. waiting for snow, granny gets cake, etc.put more oomph in to it! its still good though | |
| | | pokeranger Hero Fantagian
Posts : 5454 Join date : 2010-01-29 Age : 25 Location : Loading...
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Mon Jun 21, 2010 11:49 pm | |
| Mmm, you made multiple mistakes. I always edit them for starters. So here is one for you. - Spoiler:
I was sitting on the couch listening to the TV. My granny came home. I saw her at the door.''I brought delicous cake and strawberries for dessert!" she happily said. ''Cool, can you give me a slice, because I'm watching TV.'' I continued to watch. ''Remember, that couch is new!" she started. "So just sit in the dining room.'' "But I can't see the T.V. from here! I yelled. "Don't yell at me, Kara!" Granny looked at me. "When you're done with that cake slice, you can sit on the couch!" she told me. "Fine..." I sighed. I was looking out the window, hoping winter would come soon. I was dreaming about snowing dropping to my tongue, coldness and freshness. I couldn't wait one bit.
I only did the firt chapter for you. You got puncuations and mispellings. Remember to indent when a new person is speaking. | |
| | | Trash Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1685 Join date : 2010-01-31 Age : 26
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Tue Jun 22, 2010 12:18 am | |
| I'm judging fairly, here me on this: Your story has no particular plot whatsoever, and all three chapters could have been placed into one. You have terrible grammar and you can't write the simplest worlds correctly. Sorry, but its not a very good story... Heres what MY version of the story would be;
- Spoiler:
Chapter One: Waiting for Winter
I was sitting on the couch listening to my television., when suddenly my grandmother came home walking through the door, which I heard from the slight bells hanging over. She was wearing -inserttypeofclotheshere-. ''Honey, I brought some creamy, delicious cake. I also picked up some strawberries along the way home.'' she said with an aching voice full of love. ''Thats great Gramma!'' I said, paying attention elsewhere on the television. ''Could you please give me a slice? I'm watching the premiere of the newest show on -insertchannelhere- called -insertnamehere-!'' I pleaded. ''Sweetie, if you want a piece of cake, come over here to the dining room. We just bought that couch and I don't want you getting it dirty! The couch was -insertcouchdescriptionhere-. ''But Gramma, I cannot see our television from there! Please!'' I pleaded hoping. ''Don't you yell at me, Kara! As soon as you finish your piece of cake you can go back to watch whatever you want.'' she said, and I just had to agree, or things would get worse. ''Fine Gramma, just fine.'' I sat down at the dining room. While eating, I looked out through our shallow crystal-clear window. The feeling of the coming of snow made me shiver. I was dreaming for the day the snow would fall, the intense moment of having it slip through my tongue. The shudders. I couldn't wait.
I stayed daydreaming untill I heard a noise, but it was just my cat named Kiki. She had a beautiful -insertcolorhere- pelt of fur, and he was so soft and lovable. When I was done with my slice, I ran up to the couch. ''Jee...it's over. Thanks alot.'' I cried with a screech. ''Well darling, you were the one who insisted on cake.'' responded Grandmother. ''Ugh, i'll go to bed now, I have a slightly painful stomachache, probably from that cake. I yawned, and headed upstairs. I went into my lovely -insertcolorhere- bathroom. I went and picked up my toothbrush from the ash tray, and placed my -inserttoothpastebrandhere- in my toothbrush. I brushed up and down, and then my tounge. I had pearly whites. I headed over to my dashing room, and rolled up in my bed. Kiki, my cat, went over to my bed and curled up to me. ''The snow...I can't wait for the snow...''
Chapter Three: It Came, But Not What I Hoped For.
I woke up and I looked through my windows. I saw the whitest snow. ''Snow! I can't believe my pure eyes! Snow! Finally! What i've waited for!'' I suddenly jumped out of the bed. I took another glimpse at the window and did a quick sigh. There was less than an inch of snow outside! I was hoping to ride in my shiny -insertcolorhere- sled which I hadn't used since last winter. ''Oh well, what can I do...'' I went and picked up my laptop, I opened it and typed in my password. I went on the weather channel website to check on the temperature. It said, 'A little bit of snow, but the sun will come up shortly and melt it down.' ''Oh boy.'' I said whimpering. I suddenly wondered if Gramma was awake. So, I went to her room which smelled like lushing soap and flowers. I noticed she was still sleeping, so I gave her a kiss on the cheek and walked off. I went downstairs through my polished floor and the cake I had eaten yesterday was left out in the night. I noticed there were only three slices left. Last time I checked yesterday, there were eight...actually seven, withought counting my piece. I looked through to find...My cat! Sitting in our new couch! I looked at her mouth. There was a bright glaze of whipped cream on it. ''Oh Kiki, you can't have cake! This thing could kill you!'' I said to my cat. ~TO BE CONTINUED~
I made it way more interesting...You can use this if you want...just give credit. And, I think there should be a scene where the cat dies, because eating chocolate kills them. | |
| | | Oliver Moderator
Posts : 4588 Join date : 2010-03-03 Age : 24 Location : *lights up a fire* yeah, trying to surivve in a fores.t *smokse a cig* il kill you
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Tue Jun 22, 2010 12:53 am | |
| Anaira, yours has to much detail... I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details. So, you purple, have to little details, YOU anaira, too many. So to both, a 8-10. Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work. And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt. So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail. And purple, you need some work too. | |
| | | Trash Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1685 Join date : 2010-01-31 Age : 26
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Tue Jun 22, 2010 1:07 am | |
| - Kawaii Maker wrote:
- Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details. So, you purple, have to little details, YOU anaira, too many. So to both, a 8-10. Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work. And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt. So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail. And purple, you need some work too. Well if you MUST know, there are writers in my family, and their details go beyond. Atleast, I didnt add as mmuch detail as I wanted to, and this story is just too fake-looking. I wanted to spice thinngs off, well, the grammar and spelling helped. | |
| | | Oliver Moderator
Posts : 4588 Join date : 2010-03-03 Age : 24 Location : *lights up a fire* yeah, trying to surivve in a fores.t *smokse a cig* il kill you
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:27 am | |
| - Anaira wrote:
- Kawaii Maker wrote:
- Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details. So, you purple, have to little details, YOU anaira, too many. So to both, a 8-10. Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work. And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt. So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail. And purple, you need some work too. Well if you MUST know, there are writers in my family, and their details go beyond. Atleast, I didnt add as mmuch detail as I wanted to, and this story is just too fake-looking. I wanted to spice thinngs off, well, the grammar and spelling helped. Yours is fake-looking too. But meh, lets end this before we start a fight. Purple, Ary is right, yours is VERY fake, with no detail, and very little characterization. You both need help in writing for dif. Reasons, because details are exellent! But adding them in ALOT of stuff is not. BUT, no details is HORRIBLE, and chur writing style, is not very good purple... | |
| | | Trash Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1685 Join date : 2010-01-31 Age : 26
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:51 am | |
| - Kawaii Maker wrote:
- Anaira wrote:
- Kawaii Maker wrote:
- Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details. So, you purple, have to little details, YOU anaira, too many. So to both, a 8-10. Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work. And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt. So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail. And purple, you need some work too. Well if you MUST know, there are writers in my family, and their details go beyond. Atleast, I didnt add as mmuch detail as I wanted to, and this story is just too fake-looking. I wanted to spice thinngs off, well, the grammar and spelling helped. Yours is fake-looking too. But meh, lets end this before we start a fight.
Purple, Ary is right, yours is VERY fake, with no detail, and very little characterization. You both need help in writing for dif. Reasons, because details are exellent! But adding them in ALOT of stuff is not. BUT, no details is HORRIBLE, and chur writing style, is not very good purple... *sigh.* You win. | |
| | | Valval Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1994 Join date : 2010-01-26 Location : rainbow road♥
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Tue Jun 22, 2010 11:18 am | |
| - Kawaii Maker wrote:
- Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details. So, you purple, have to little details, YOU anaira, too many. So to both, a 8-10. Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work. And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt. So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail. And purple, you need some work too. I think details makes a story a GOOD story.. too many details makes it too exciting. | |
| | | bluesea Senior Fantagian
Posts : 399 Join date : 2010-04-09 Age : 28 Location : Happy Land :)
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Tue Jun 22, 2010 12:38 pm | |
| too much detail makes me tired, and i cbb reading it XD purple, u just need to improve a little and ull be fine (: | |
| | | Sharpsul99 Passionate Fantagian
Posts : 755 Join date : 2010-06-10 Location : Dark Village
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Tue Jun 22, 2010 4:44 pm | |
| Not to but in, but you guys are acting really big with 'detail'. Give people a break. It's not a real-life story and there are 42 page books out there with much detail, so please. I think there is the perfect amount of detail. Not to pop anyone's bubble, but not everyone makes 900,000 character chapters and sometimes really REALLY long chapters could get boring (no offense to anyone).
I think this is a greats story! You keep on writing Purple (:. | |
| | | pokeranger Hero Fantagian
Posts : 5454 Join date : 2010-01-29 Age : 25 Location : Loading...
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Tue Jun 22, 2010 5:49 pm | |
| Urm, I didn't say ANYTHING about detail, fyi. I'm just saying she should revise before posting. Multiple spelling and puncuation mistakes. That's all | |
| | | Sakura Devoted Fantagian
Posts : 585 Join date : 2010-01-27 Location : The Sky
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Tue Jun 22, 2010 6:22 pm | |
| - Kawaii Maker wrote:
- Anaira wrote:
- Kawaii Maker wrote:
- Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details. So, you purple, have to little details, YOU anaira, too many. So to both, a 8-10. Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work. And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt. So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail. And purple, you need some work too. Well if you MUST know, there are writers in my family, and their details go beyond. Atleast, I didnt add as mmuch detail as I wanted to, and this story is just too fake-looking. I wanted to spice thinngs off, well, the grammar and spelling helped. Yours is fake-looking too. But meh, lets end this before we start a fight. Purple, Ary is right, yours is VERY fake, with no detail, and very little characterization. You both need help in writing for dif. Reasons, because details are exellent! But adding them in ALOT of stuff is not. BUT, no details is HORRIBLE, and chur writing style, is not very good purple... The story is good. Keep writing! I agree with the grammar comments, but it's alright (: Practice! @Kawaii- Just please be quiet! How can a story be FAKE? It's Fiction! Ugh. And also, don't tell people what they CAN'T do. If Ary likes detail, then let her write it. If you don't like it, simply click the little red "x" at the top of your browser and go do something else, kay? Honestly, I don't think I'd be very interested in a story you wrote if you didn't have "too" much detail. I'm not trying to be harsh, but everyone has their own opinions and their own style of writing. | |
| | | Sharpsul99 Passionate Fantagian
Posts : 755 Join date : 2010-06-10 Location : Dark Village
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Tue Jun 22, 2010 6:25 pm | |
| - Sakura wrote:
- Kawaii Maker wrote:
- Anaira wrote:
- Kawaii Maker wrote:
- Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details. So, you purple, have to little details, YOU anaira, too many. So to both, a 8-10. Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work. And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt. So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail. And purple, you need some work too. Well if you MUST know, there are writers in my family, and their details go beyond. Atleast, I didnt add as mmuch detail as I wanted to, and this story is just too fake-looking. I wanted to spice thinngs off, well, the grammar and spelling helped. Yours is fake-looking too. But meh, lets end this before we start a fight. Purple, Ary is right, yours is VERY fake, with no detail, and very little characterization. You both need help in writing for dif. Reasons, because details are exellent! But adding them in ALOT of stuff is not. BUT, no details is HORRIBLE, and chur writing style, is not very good purple... The story is good. Keep writing! I agree with the grammar comments, but it's alright (: Practice!
@Kawaii- Just please be quiet! How can a story be FAKE? It's Fiction! Ugh. And also, don't tell people what they CAN'T do. If Ary likes detail, then let her write it. If you don't like it, simply click the little red "x" at the top of your browser and go do something else, kay? Honestly, I don't think I'd be very interested in a story you wrote if you didn't have "too" much detail. I'm not trying to be harsh, but everyone has their own opinions and their own style of writing. That's the message I was trying to get through everyone who commented on 'detail'! | |
| | | Oliver Moderator
Posts : 4588 Join date : 2010-03-03 Age : 24 Location : *lights up a fire* yeah, trying to surivve in a fores.t *smokse a cig* il kill you
| Subject: Re: Winter: a story made by purple123 Tue Jun 22, 2010 7:53 pm | |
| - Sakura wrote:
- Kawaii Maker wrote:
- Anaira wrote:
- Kawaii Maker wrote:
- Anaira, yours has to much detail...
I didn't find churs more interesting. It was the same just with WAY to much details. So, you purple, have to little details, YOU anaira, too many. So to both, a 8-10. Anyways, purple, Your writing style REALLY needs some work. And Ary, maybe its slice of life, not every story is all that grasping and StuffIt. So Ary, please don't go around showing off something thats not that much of a detail. And purple, you need some work too. Well if you MUST know, there are writers in my family, and their details go beyond. Atleast, I didnt add as mmuch detail as I wanted to, and this story is just too fake-looking. I wanted to spice thinngs off, well, the grammar and spelling helped. Yours is fake-looking too. But meh, lets end this before we start a fight.
Purple, Ary is right, yours is VERY fake, with no detail, and very little characterization. You both need help in writing for dif. Reasons, because details are exellent! But adding them in ALOT of stuff is not. BUT, no details is HORRIBLE, and chur writing style, is not very good purple... The story is good. Keep writing! I agree with the grammar comments, but it's alright (: Practice!
@Kawaii- Just please be quiet! How can a story be FAKE? It's Fiction! Ugh. And also, don't tell people what they CAN'T do. If Ary likes detail, then let her write it. If you don't like it, simply click the little red "x" at the top of your browser and go do something else, kay? Honestly, I don't think I'd be very interested in a story you wrote if you didn't have "too" much detail. I'm not trying to be harsh, but everyone has their own opinions and their own style of writing. Ary called the story fake too, and I dont see you mad at her. And yes, there are opinions, and writing styles. Im just saying, I also said that too little details wasnt good. o.e. But yeah, your right. If I dont have anything nice to say, I shouldnt say anything at all. | |
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