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| short story things | |
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+3-♥Sweet19971♥- xXlexiXx Relora 7 posters | Author | Message |
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Relora Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776 Join date : 2010-11-30 Age : 27 Location : Define "Location"
| Subject: short story things Sun Jul 17, 2011 8:54 pm | |
| Criticism, rating, thoughts, even a simple comment saying you read it (lol) are highly encouraged and sought after. - Light:
She stood in the clouds, a deity of integrity, honor and strength. Her curvy body appropriately covered by an airy white ceremonial dress.She had a silver torque around her neck, the only jewelry that she wore. Her stormy blue eyes were filled with whimsy and wisdom looked upon the world with self-satisfaction. Her voice was weary but it sung out like an angels. She smiled, small wrinkles appearing on her sun-kissed skin. As she sung her hair fell against the back of her knees catching the suns light and pulsating warmly.
She towered over the clouds in peace. She didn't stand upon them, as many would have perceived as such, but instead hovered over them like a hummingbird over a perfect flower. Her eyes twinkling, she stood in a calm stately manner giving off an allure of power. She had no others to observe her in the desolate clouds. She just hovered there humming a tune of peace and courage for all to listen for, for all to grasp. She never had a bad thing to give but it was always tough for those to find that which she was giving. Only those in need of her gifts were able to have a handle on it. For she was the good goddess, the goddess that none, but the forsaken ones, looked on as horrid and monstrous. She was courage, wisdom and peace, she was the goddess of light. She, herself, weaved the suns rays into her own tapestry, into her own weapon or machine.
She was always within the clouds watching and waiting ready and willing to show many the light. When called for she would raise her hands up,eyes shut, and and let them fly around her head quick and yet graceful, light moving into a concentrated shape or area. The glow from it so bright and pure that to look upon it was a promise to any pure-hearted wish the heart desired.
She stood still and watched over the world, kindly humming different tunes for everyone and sometimes, very rarely, flailing her arms for one to be saved. For she was the goddess of light, she represented that which was uncorrupted.
- Water and Ice:
They sat together like ivory figurines. Soft moonlight refracting and casting minute, obscure rainbows off there pale white skin.Two pairs of eyes wide and open-minded both a translucent blue covering fine red cherries. One pair sharp and cold-blooded the other warm and dreamy, both staring towards the transfiguring and endless ocean. Their fragile seashell like ears listening for it's call waiting for one whisper, one sibilation, one murmur. the ocean kept to itself for the time being spraying them lightly, tiny crystals forming in their snow white hair. Their soft, silky, silver-white dresses slowly dampening with the oceans hesitant reply.
Then a vibration a change in the waves pattern. Could it be a boat or creature? No it was as if the ocean had, for their sake, slowed down its choppy, unforgiving waters. It had replied to the sisters, their soft nimble hands shaking and their light pink marble lips trembling. The power was sweet yet demanding, inviting yet hesitant. Then a single bubble floated yonder. It was a soft cloud in the sky wishing to be watched intently. Both sisters eyes fell upon the miniscule bubble that floated among them. They stood together great stone statues on a beach and took two steps forward. The bubble floated a second more and simpily popped.
The reply had been sent, their prize given. Only the sisters knew what was to be done. The one with such sharp eyes brushed away her bangs from her right cheek revealing a small six pointed shape, perhaps a snow crystal. Her hands fell forcefully to her sides, she stood still, and closed her eyes pointing her face towards the north where the water was always known to be cold. The possible snow crystal giving off a blue-white sparkle. The one with warm inviting eyes, ever so pure and lighthearted, brushed her semi-curly bangs from her left cheek revealing a tiny water drop marking. Her hands delicately fell to her sides and she let her face seem to float to the south where the waters were said to be warm and invigorating. The raindrop emitting a blue-green glow.
They stood together like two towering deities. Then they moved. Snow crystal was sharp and crackling her movements forceful and unforgiving. Water erupted from the ocean freezing into great pillars of ice dominating the world within its shadow. Rain drop was shy and graceful her movements were dream-like and slow. the water around her boiled and fluttered in mid-air creating a soft torrent of sea water that went around the pillars tying into each and every ice tower.
Connecting water and ice the sisters stepped in. It was all alive to them, a buzzing that was only soothed through the use of their harmful abilities, for every time they used them improperly they were punished by the ocean itself for now they must wait reluctantly for it's twittering call day or night, winter or summer. For if they don't expel their power they become a strong threat yet if they use it all the time they become greedy and corrupt. That is why the must be connected yet separate. That is why there is the arctic and sea.
- Wind:
The wind fell upon her soft pink skin. She was a but mere child in the face of the world. Large petal like ears stuck out of her soft, wavy, chestnut hair. Each pointed primply at the tip,strongly giving a elfish look to them. Her face was soft and pleasant her windswept hair being gently brushed around upon it. Her smile was inviting and cheerful, yet clearly strong and dominating. and her eyes. Her beautiful china doll eyes. They were large and cute. They fell to the world with such love and fascination it was criminal. They were silver-blue orbs that sadly, could not see the world as she made it seem that she was doing. Her eyes fell upon the darkness that all had ignored. No color, no love, seen through the closed glass like doors that they were.
She laid upon the ground her her impish face facing the soft blue sky. The wind enveloped her like a mother, autumn leaves rustling around her. She was in a complete paradise. The smells, the sounds and the sensations were always items she searched for keenly in a mediation area. she smiled fondly her red, velvet, cloak being brushed away with the wind and the leaves. Then she sat up her blank eyes searching the darkness that no one saw in the daylight. She was alone and she was happy wasn't that all that matters no matter if she could can see or not she was happy.
She whispered something inaudible, something from another more ancient language. And in a blink of an eye the wind swayed its course north. No one could witness it happen no one else felt the subtle change, but it was there the wind had followed an order from a human. Her ever starving eyes seemed to sparkle with tears and she sang. A voice so angelic that a man would die to hear it sing again. The wind swayed and sprung. It felt alive in many aspects but one with little or no judgement would not see it as this. Many would curse the fact that this gift made their crops freeze or their leaves be spread. For that there was punishment Great tornadoes and the aid in hurricanes and tropical storm progression was not on accident. For the wind master was always listening even the most inaudible whisper could be heard by her.
She was indeed menacing but none with a heart as pure as hers could create such joy in others. For many believe the most pure and intention spoken would come true if she deemed it worthy of her help. To catch that she had helped went unnoticed for many only a few knew to whisper back a thank you. She heard approaching footfall, cooing like a dove birds flew towards her for what animal was more beloved then the ones who could manipulate the air to fly towards the heavens? She cooed softly and strongly and they flew away, an assortment of birds each with an assortment of her different intentions. Crows were her bad omen for she was fair when it came to her punishment giving the people a chance to change or escape. Doves normally were a symbol of love and peace. Woodpeckers meant good tidings and rewards for all your labor. For each bird carried a message just for their receiver.
As the footfall approached she fluttered her eye lashes in a butterfly-like way. She stood up gracefully and seemed to hover overground. A pair of luxurious multicolor wings came out from her cloak and she smiled like a child on Christmas day. She whispered one thing more and then glided into the sky disappearing into the great clouds above. Her whisper was one of hope and fine glory. For the one to have stumbled upon her latest meditation grounds was the next king of the land.
Last edited by Relora on Tue Jul 19, 2011 4:30 pm; edited 6 times in total | |
| | | xXlexiXx Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1588 Join date : 2011-01-27 Age : 106 Location : byeeeeeeee
| Subject: Re: short story things Sun Jul 17, 2011 9:02 pm | |
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| | | -♥Sweet19971♥- Expert Fantagian
Posts : 2042 Join date : 2011-05-11 Age : 27 Location : Find me :p
| Subject: Re: short story things Tue Jul 19, 2011 11:14 am | |
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| | | alex Moderator
Posts : 23507 Join date : 2010-08-10 Age : 25 Location : google maps
| Subject: Re: short story things Tue Jul 19, 2011 12:09 pm | |
| It is very good. ^-~ Yes, I apologize for no criticism of the sort, but I literally have nothing to criticize EDIT: @Sweety's siggy "No Fantage-No life"? So You're saying I have no life? >.> | |
| | | Makkine Moderator
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 27 Location : Woah
| Subject: Re: short story things Tue Jul 19, 2011 12:57 pm | |
| Hey! So I heard you'd like some critique? I think I've already been established as a writer here and in other places, so I'd be glad to drop some constructive criticism on your first story, "Light".
First, the line "A deity of integrity, Honor and strength" should not be its own sentence, nor should the word "honour" be capitalised. Therefore, your sentence should read: "She stood in the clouds, a deity of integrity, honour, and strength". Next, you go on to describe the deity in great detail. In so much detail, in fact, that your character is reminiscent of a Mary Sue. For character description, one or two sentences ought to suffice. I prefer to have the character's looks be insinuated otherwise. For example, "she ran a finger through her knee-length hair, smiling as she saw the light caught in it." My last criticism for this paragraph is that "Constantly moving with an appearance of constant movement" is too repetitive. Try just using "constantly moving."
Egh. Please, STOP DESCRIBING YOUR CHARACTER'S APPEARANCE. We, as your readers, are quite sick of it. Cut out the second paragraph completely, and add SMALL clothing details to the first.
I really liked the third paragraph, and I have no feedback. It was quite good, and reminiscent of a fable or a high fantasy story. Good job! Any mistakes in pacing or fluidity will be straightened out in time as you become a better writer.
The fourth paragraph had a good beginning and concluding sentence, but there was one line that really bothered me: "When called for she would raise her hands up,eyes shut, and flail them around quick and yet graceful. Light moving into a concentrated shape or area." I don't think your word choice was appropriate. Flailing indicates ungracefulness, never mind that you are telling - not showing - how they're graceful. Also "Light moving into a concentrated shape or area" should not be its own sentence.
Good ending.
@Animal: I think it says "Pa beyeetegdsh pa lhiek'dsh". So you speak gibberish? I thought pa meant "but" in Russian. *Is using the Finnish system for the umlaut sound.* | |
| | | Z New Fantagian
Posts : 22 Join date : 2011-06-28
| Subject: Re: short story things Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:03 pm | |
| too many words i can't understand derp | |
| | | Oliver Moderator
Posts : 4588 Join date : 2010-03-03 Age : 24 Location : *lights up a fire* yeah, trying to surivve in a fores.t *smokse a cig* il kill you
| Subject: Re: short story things Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:24 pm | |
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| | | Relora Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776 Join date : 2010-11-30 Age : 27 Location : Define "Location"
| Subject: Re: short story things Tue Jul 19, 2011 3:30 pm | |
| @Makki thank you for the feedback I will go and tweak the story story fittingly. Though she is very much reminiscent of a Mary-sue, isn't that what many Greeks had described and pictured their own gods and goddesses? Though they did have the weakness for mischief and argument many see gods and goddesses as perfect. I guess I could try and fix that a bit. As for the flailing thing. I couldn't find a term that seemed to work so I used an oxey-moron there. I guess I shall change it anyway.
@Timegear I believe that since I myself am a girl, I relate and respond better to that gender making the writing process for description on clothes, looks, movements etc. easier. Though I was going to make my next one male.
Thank you for your kind comments everyone, though I feel as if your going easy on me. | |
| | | Makkine Moderator
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 27 Location : Woah
| Subject: Re: short story things Tue Jul 19, 2011 4:27 pm | |
| @Relora: the Greek Gods were far from perfect. They were wife-thieves, gamblers, impulsive, and war-crazed. I think the only "perfect" God is the Judeo-Christian one, actually. For flailing, try "fly them around her head". | |
| | | Relora Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776 Join date : 2010-11-30 Age : 27 Location : Define "Location"
| Subject: Re: short story things Tue Jul 19, 2011 4:30 pm | |
| @ Makki Okay your right now that I think of it more. I was confusing the gods themselves and what an artists viewpoint of their sculptures for them were. Oh and yea I'll try it | |
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