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 Minister of Communication Speech

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Lord Voldemort
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PostSubject: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 3:42 pm

School Parliament is back again, and i'm against this german child who gets in trouble everyday. I would like you guys to proof-read my speech, edit, critique it.

Legend:
________= My name
(----)= something that isn't in my speech but i'm telling you guys.
______________________________________________________

Here it is:
 
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Squirtle
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 3:48 pm


it's good but...

"most of the time speeches ARE boring"

i don't think that will win them over.

but everything else, i love
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 3:50 pm

Very nice. I think it should do well, you're relating to the people and getting your point across without boring them.

I just wanna say your best chance to win is name recognition. Get people to know your name and who you are. Have a pleasant attitude and show people you care. If you can make posters DO IT!

Best of luck to you, just keep wanting it and imagining you get the position o3o
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Harry
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 3:56 pm

It's good (:
Maybe to help people connect with you, you should hand out some things. You could hand out cookies or bracelets. Then they'd have another reason to vote for you.
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 4:04 pm

squirtle's Halloween wrote:

it's good but...

"most of the time speeches ARE boring"

i don't think that will win them over.

but everything else, i love

That was my favorite part uvu

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Luminous
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:07 pm

You're right Deepest~Blue. The first thing that comes to mind about hearing a speech is... boredom... But when I read your speech, I was appealed! If I had to vote between you and the boy, I would obviously vote for you, that's how amazing your speech was! (^_-) To me, there was nothing that I found that needed to change.
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Lord Voldemort
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:09 pm

Thanks I love your critiques! My school is fairly small, so I have around 27 posters around the school. Everybody pretty much knows me because they've seen me around the school so much. Just wish me luck.. I hope I win to that German child, if I don't it will be a MAJOR embarrassment. I might cry if I lose.]

Kaito: Thank you Thank you, you're too kind.. I just really want to win, everybody likes "him" because he's a comedian at the school, and the boredom thing was me trying to be funny. But I hope my speech is good enough for the win.
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S
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:22 pm

It is a very nice speech! ^^ I don't think there's anything you should add since you get your point across well while relating to the audience. Just remember to speak loudly and clearly, and to make eye contact with many people in the audience. I hope you win.
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Lord Voldemort
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:30 pm

Thank you so much! That means a lot coming from you S! I think I need to add some humor or something to it.. but I think it might make me a winner, I hope I win too.

P.S. Maybe you can give me some humor to put in it?? Not very good at that.
(May i have your name/nickname instead of something that's one letter?)

EDIT: The elections are tomorrow, second period. We have to say our speeches, then the principal will give them 5 minutes to think and the voting will commence. SO NERVOUS. Oh, and a whole bunch of the girls that paid for it (including me) are getting HIV vaccines tomorrow morning (Thursday).


Last edited by Deepest~Blue on Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:37 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:31 pm

Deepest~Blue wrote:
Thanks I love your critiques! My school is fairly small, so I have around 27 posters around the school. Everybody pretty much knows me because they've seen me around the school so much. Just wish me luck.. I hope I win to that German child, if I don't it will be a MAJOR embarrassment. I might cry if I lose.]

Kaito: Thank you Thank you, you're too kind.. I just really want to win, everybody likes "him" because he's a comedian at the school, and the boredom thing was me trying to be funny. But I hope my speech is good enough for the win.

Your speech obviously has the better lead. If everyone votes for a comedian that gets in trouble a lot, the teachers will not like a person who likes to fool around (does he fool around a lot?). That means that THAT person is not right for the job. A person who's in the School Parliament should be able to handle things responsibly, can't make distractions, and must be trustworthy. Deepest~Blue, I know you're going to win. You can do it, I know you can. I'll be rooting for you!
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o
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:33 pm

I've done some editing on your writing! The words in red are the edits/revisions, and the words in bold are just tips to improve your writing or to help you fix this piece.


Spoiler:
 

and as for humor, i'm not sure. sorry i can't help you with that! but if you can't find any humor to add in, at least make sure you speak clearly with expression, so you can captivate your audience's attention!
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:36 pm

I really love your speech! I think you are going to win. o3o
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Lord Voldemort
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:48 pm

OK HERE IS MY EDIT:

My Speech for Minister of communication:
 
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:59 pm

I bet you will do great! Hopefully you will be elected!
But no offense but it sounds kinda racist when you say you are against a german child
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Lord Voldemort
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 6:34 pm

Clockworker's Doll wrote:
I bet you will do great! Hopefully you will be elected!
But no offense but it sounds kinda racist when you say you are against a german child
Thanks, I hope i'm elected too. Too bad were not allowed handing out buttons (it's bribing) and I made a TON of them so.. I'm just going to tape them to the wall in the morning in the shape of the word VOTE. I hope this all goes well.
I'm german.. and filipino.. MIXED RACE FOR THE WIN!
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Wed Oct 03, 2012 6:44 pm

I think it would be awesome if you included a little more about how you would improve stuff ( For example, I will listen any opinions you would have on how I should improve. or, if possible, I will create a group of anyone in the school who would like to help promote the events. and things like that..)
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Thu Oct 04, 2012 1:42 pm

Deepest~Blue wrote:
OK HERE IS MY EDIT:

My Speech for Minister of communication:
 

Very nice, however, In the first paragraph you say "... such as spirit days for instance...", the "for instance" is redundant when you say "such as" in the beginning. You have to remove one or the other to keep everything smooth o3o

Also you say you are running for minister of communication. Where are you running and why are you running for this guy? See that's what it sounds like instead you will want to you are running for the position of minister of communication :3
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Lord Voldemort
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:17 pm

@Everyone, THANKS TO ALL OF YOU! I WON!
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:26 pm

CONGRATS! *clapping*
Imma make you a GIF as a congrats present.
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:44 pm

OHMYGOD YAY YOU! You really deserved to be Minister of Communication, and your speech was awesome
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:49 pm

CONGRATULATIONS! Have fun Ms. Minister >:3
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Harry
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:54 pm

Spoiler:
 

Yay, Swimmer! I'm happy for you (:
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o
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Sun Oct 07, 2012 3:04 pm

Blackened~Waters wrote:
@Everyone, THANKS TO ALL OF YOU! I WON!

congratulations!! good luck in your new position on school parliament! [[but tbh over in my area we don't call it parliament lol]]
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Sun Oct 07, 2012 3:45 pm

CONGRADULATIONS!1 Take care of your school very well. XD Ima make you a gif later!
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PostSubject: Re: Minister of Communication Speech   Sun Oct 07, 2012 10:08 pm

Aww thank you ALL! I'm really looking forward to your .GIF's
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