Fantage Forum
Welcome to the Fantage Forum.


Fantage Cheats, Secrets, Glitches, Info & Help.
 
HomeFAQSearchMemberlistRegisterLog inUsergroups


Share | 
 

 Guys what am I writing

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Rufistar
Veteran Fantagian


Posts : 3155
Join date : 2012-06-14

PostSubject: Guys what am I writing   Wed Feb 06, 2013 11:01 pm

This story isn't finished.

Sweet Tooth (c) DarkManor

Lyra is a real character: http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Lyra_Heartstrings



I was watering my apple tree sapling when my neighbor Lyra Heartstrings came bursting through the door.

Lyra's a unicorn with a turquoise coat and a sky blue mane with white streaks in it. She has golden eyes that match her golden lyre cutie mark. She's actually good with the lyre. Although how she could strum the strings so precisely with hooves I do not know…

Lyra is a bit… strange. There's something odd about her, something un-pony-like. Instead of lying down on a bench, she slouches on it with her hindquarters plopped down instead. She waves #1 "hand" gloves at Wonderbolt shows. She seems… almost "human" like.

Anyways, she burst through the door. "Elka!" she called.

"What?" I answered, wondering what in the hay was she doing here.

"I need peanut butter!"

"What kind of pony wants peanut butter? You'll get your hooves stuck together!" I answered.

"I'm baking peanut butter cookies! And heck, it's possible. Pinkie Pie does it all the time! So does Sweet Tooth!"

"Sweet Tooth? I never heard of a "Sweet Tooth" before. Did he-or she-just move here?"

"Ya know! Sweet Tooth! She set up a new candy and sweets shop here in Ponyville!"

"Oh. Well, I haven't been out much, I've been helping Fluttershy search for rabbits that were hiding in the Everfree forest…"

"And I've been helping Sweet Tooth! In fact, that's why I'm here. She ran out of peanut butter for her cookies."

"Oh, I see. Well I think I've got a jar somewhere…"

I went to the kitchen to dig in the cupboard, and found a jar in the back. I went back and gave it to Lyra.

"Hey, you should help me help Sweet Tooth too! C'mon it'll be fun!" Lyra suggested.

"Huh… alright. I haven't really got anything else to do today." I answered.

"Then let's go slowpoke!" Lyra replied and set off to Sweet Tooth's candy shop. I caught up and trotted beside her.

When we got to "Sweet Tooth's Candy & Sweets" Lyra walked in and called "Sweet Tooth! I got ya some peanut butter!" Then Sweet Tooth came out. She was an earth pony with a green and pink braided mane. Sky blue eyes and cream coat. She seemed nice, I guess.

Sweet Tooth came out from behind the counter and said "Thanks Lyra! I don't want to miss any customers because they couldn't find any delicious peanut butter cookies!" Then Sweet Tooth turned to me. "And who's this?"

"Oh that's Elka! She's the one who gave me the peanut butter. Right?" Lyra piped up.

"Um… yep. So what do you sell exactly?" I replied kind of lamely.

"Oh, mostly candy, but also cookies, muffins, and some cakes and pies! Want to try one?"

"Sorry I don't have any bits."

"Ah, that's okay, it's on the house!"

I walked over to the sweets display on the counter. As I was trying to make up my mind (everything looked so delicious!), the door opened and someone else came in. I turned my head around and saw Derpy Hooves. She's the mailpony who delivers letters and packages for Ponyville.

"Uh… teleporter chip… fragile… Sweet Tooth?" Derpy read. "That's you right?" She asked, looking up at Sweet Tooth.

"Yep that's me!" replied Sweet Tooth. She took the package from Derpy. "Teleporter chip? Lyra that's for you isn't it?" Lyra's face clouded over. "Yeah, uh… just put it in the back."

Wait did they just say teleporter chips? Like chips that teleport into your mouth? That couldn't be possible. They were definitely hiding something.

Sweet Tooth then went into the back of the store. After some bumping noises she came back out and said "Alright that's settled. Hey Derpy, would you like one of our muffins?"


Last edited by Rufistar on Thu Feb 07, 2013 9:17 pm; edited 3 times in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Guest
Guest



PostSubject: Re: Guys what am I writing   Wed Feb 06, 2013 11:19 pm

Myahahah Sweet Tooth is prettier than Rarity?!
Ah this is a really good story its really cute too. I like how you added Sweet Tooth in it.
Back to top Go down
Flynn
Legendary Fantagian


Posts : 12278
Join date : 2012-01-14
Age : 17
Location : The gallows

PostSubject: Re: Guys what am I writing   Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:23 am

Something about Sweet Tooth being prettier than a main character who's whole thing is being pretty seems Mary-Suish to me. And why is Elka's dialogue in first person? (Oh wait, it's told from her perspective. Sorry.)

Nice story, though.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Rufistar
Veteran Fantagian


Posts : 3155
Join date : 2012-06-14

PostSubject: Re: Guys what am I writing   Thu Feb 07, 2013 9:05 pm

Thanks 'Manor!

That's why I struck it out, it seemed like a nice detail but Sweet Tooth couldn't be that pretty. I dunno.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Guest
Guest



PostSubject: Re: Guys what am I writing   Thu Feb 07, 2013 9:10 pm

Ron Weasley wrote:
Something about Sweet Tooth being prettier than a main character who's whole thing is being pretty seems Mary-Suish to me. And why is Elka's dialogue in first person? (Oh wait, it's told from her perspective. Sorry.)

Nice story, though.
I have to agree with this. Even though SweetTooth is my own OC.
Back to top Go down
char
Hero Fantagian


Posts : 6313
Join date : 2012-11-12
Age : 17
Location : New Jersey

PostSubject: Re: Guys what am I writing   Thu Feb 07, 2013 9:13 pm

I love your pony OC Elka.
Anyway, the story was really detailed and humorous! I really enjoyed it, you should write more.
crit warning optional:
 
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Rufistar
Veteran Fantagian


Posts : 3155
Join date : 2012-06-14

PostSubject: Re: Guys what am I writing   Thu Feb 07, 2013 9:13 pm

@All

I already said that's why I struck it out.

Fine, she'll just be nice. :I
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Guest
Guest



PostSubject: Re: Guys what am I writing   Thu Feb 07, 2013 9:51 pm

Rufistar wrote:
@All

I already said that's why I struck it out.

Fine, she'll just be nice. :I
Ah my apologies XD
But your story is nice so do whatever you like ^.^
Back to top Go down
Primrose
Ultimate Fantagian


Posts : 8309
Join date : 2011-08-27
Age : 13
Location : District 12

PostSubject: Re: Guys what am I writing   Fri Feb 08, 2013 1:29 pm

I really love it. I love the suspense.

Can you please use my oc, Angela in your story?
Spoiler:
 
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://creativecloud.forummotion.com/
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Guys what am I writing   Today at 9:14 am

Back to top Go down
 
Guys what am I writing
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Is death essential to good story writing?
» need help writing a song
» Hey how you guys doing?
» Well guys idk if im allowed to ask this or not but here goes :X
» Rate these guys

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Fantage Forum :: Creations :: Literature-
Jump to: