A story i have wrote :)

Chapter 1.
The way it began.

beep beeep beep!!! Lilly wakes up cold and shivering. 10 am already? she asks Yes shouts mum cheerfully. Good morning Darling , mum said when lily got on her dressing gown and made her way downstairs Good morning mum says lilly.Mum gives lilly her breakfast and Lilly eats up and gets dressed. School time darling shouts mum,Mum gets into the car Lilly jumps into the passengers seat. They are nearly there then Suddenly...... on the radio the news came on mum told lilly to Shhhh so she could here it then it says Margaret sunnydown was murdered at 03 am at a riverside when she was silently feeding the ducks.
Lilly screams AHH AUNTIE MARGARET HAS BEEN MURDERED!!! Mum tries to calm lilly down but lilly burst into tears and wanted to go home but mum wouldnt let her so at school lilly only had one freind and that was her imaginery one since it was only yesterday she started school nobody knows her and wants to be her friend.Lilly goes threw the full day at school silently but after school on her way walking home something poked her back she turned round then hundreds of cream pies came flying to her then she seen who it was it was the girl who was the bully in her school called Melanie,tears started falling from lillys eyes then she ran home when she got home she ran in and slamed the door shut and she was still crying and mum came out of the kitchin and said Whats wrong dear? are you ok, NO MUM I JUST GOT ONE MILLION CREAM PIES THROWN AT ME BY THE CLASS BULLY. Oh my poor child screams mum are you okay? in between your aunt getting murdered and you getting hut my cream pies you life must be terrible! i hope you recover from it soon said mum Okayy mum im gonna take a bath and do my homework.....


Chapter 2 out soon i will edit this post when chapter 2 is out and post that there has been an update please rate and tell me how i can improve thanks

I really like it but their are a few spelling errors


i would say 10/10. i was going to say 9/10 but i like the story alot! once again, 10/10 keep making more!

Story: 7/10
Though, the grammar is out of place. Try putting what the character said in quotes. ( "10 am already?") Also the story line gets off at some point. I don't know how to explain, but this part is what I mean:

Mum tries to calm lilly down but lilly burst into tears and wanted to go home but mum wouldnt let her so at school lilly only had one freind and that was her imaginery one since it was only yesterday she started school nobody knows her and wants to be her friend.

I think. in that part you should make a new paragraph Like.

Mum tries to calm Lilly down but Lilly bursts into tears; she wanted to go home, but her mum wouldn't let her.

At school Lilly only had one friend. (on and on)

See what I mean? But yeah, it is a nice story, hopefully you continue.

Abstract wrote:

Story: 7/10
Though, the grammar is out of place. Try putting what the character said in quotes. ( "10 am already?") Also the story line gets off at some point. I don't know how to explain, but this part is what I mean:

Mum tries to calm lilly down but lilly burst into tears and wanted to go home but mum wouldnt let her so at school lilly only had one freind and that was her imaginery one since it was only yesterday she started school nobody knows her and wants to be her friend.

I think. in that part you should make a new paragraph Like.

Mum tries to calm Lilly down but Lilly bursts into tears; she wanted to go home, but her mum wouldn't let her.

At school Lilly only had one friend. (on and on)

Thanks i will try that on the rest of my chapters

@disney4ever thanks i know the grammar isnt great its because i was making it up as i go along lol
See what I mean? But yeah, it is a nice story, hopefully you continue.


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