| | The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* | |
|
+8Makkine 69hot_wangs69 elsa ♡ Mustard Winnowill **♥ Anni Hart♥** Gymnastics 4 life Relora 12 posters | |
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| Author | Message |
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Relora Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776 Join date : 2010-11-30 Age : 27 Location : Define "Location"
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sat Nov 19, 2011 9:31 pm | |
| Prologue - Spoiler:
I was six.... I was six when the first little bit of information of the disease was leaked. I was six when the rest of the world brushed off the claims, either to stupid to think or to fearful to imagine. I was six when the world's ending had begun.
The world was already about to destroy itself. The east and west union, made up of various countries (names of which I can't remember), had been at war for a good year by then. No one could go outside without being harassed, questioned and sometimes mistakenly killed. The average person lived in fear, for themselves, their family, and their union. No one wanted to lose but at the time no one could bear to win, to hold the guilt of wiping out half of the world's population wasn't going to be the best thing to hold in your mind, to tell your children.
But, that had been 10 long years ago, and with each passing year it only got worse. Someone had to win right? Well by now that little rumor came to life. By now top scientists in both unions started to work towards replicating it. It took thousands of lives, spies, medicine, trust. Everything had been risked for one workable vile of that wretched liquid.
Sadly, they made it. In one moment, the first mean of biological warfare had begun. The disease, meant to shut down, reprogram and reactivate one's very own brain, went out of control. People dieing and then only coming back up and and killing those that loved them most. Human flesh, living flesh, was their water and food. They needed and eventually others caught the disease through even the tiniest of bites.
One month afterword is where we are now. Large settlements with every defense know to man are kept to keep the tiniest shred of hope untorn.
Chapter One - Spoiler:
My eyes flickered open to the dim light of dawn. I roused myself out of bed, with my eyelids still heavy and my body still screaming for sleep.
I padded outside. The musty stench of the air choked me and my coughing fit caused me to stumble. My stained night gown fluttered softly in the breeze. It's soft woolen fabric thinned from over use, patches added on to make it still wearable. I had always loved this gown. It had been my mothers before she had died of cancer 5 years back. She died because of the war. Hospitals were full of the injured soldiers, regular people like my mother were forced to stand alone and fight their infinite diseases. Some lived but my beloved mother was one of many to die.
I walked back to my wooden shack for a house. I lived here in peace with my older friend Rodney. He looked just like his father, who was a dear friend of mine, chestnut hair hazel eyes and well toned skin. He is two years older then me. His parents had kept care of me and my father when mother died. They were so kind.
I pushed away the wooden board he used for a door. His room was as neat as could be. Every thing as organized as possible. Old children books stacked away, clothes folded and kept in his clean clothes corner. (Dressers were something this settlement lacked). His room was much smaller than mine, but he had chosen that. I was his baby sister to him.
I twisted my fingers through my wavy Dark blonde hair. I had a habit of doing that. It was kinda of inherited from mother. "Rodney." I cooed some-what aggravated.
"hmmmm" he hummed trying to stay asleep.
"Rodney, wake up." This was an average morning thing. But today was special, he knew that, why would he torture me so. "Rodney. C'mon wake up... please" My voice cracked on the please. He heard it and immediately stood up ready to, for lack of a better word, kill.
"What's happening who's here!" He was alert now. He'd never let something harm me. I was all he had left.
"Nothing" I giggled. "I just needed you to be awake. You know what today is" I smiled brightly. Showing the few crooked teeth I had. He looked up first in pain about remembering, but he didn't want to upset me. He smiled warmly. "Of course, happy 16th birthday"
My heart felt warm inside. Today was going to be a good day, I could already tell. Truth is I've been waiting for a while to have a job in this settlement. There were so many. Some people were merchants, others traders. You could be a teacher or a leader. Truth is, I've been waiting to be a soldier. Even though I had been here for the last year. The soldiers are fairly new. They actually only started recruiting the week after the disease first came out and wrapped it's poisonous fingers on the throats of the people. Three of those people had been my dad and Rodney's parents. It was that day that I decided that when I was sixteen I'd try to enroll. Today was that day.
Chapter Two - Spoiler:
I was back in my room. Digging furiously through my clothes. Old shirts pants jeans tank tops piled together, the inability of finding clean clothes was infuriating. Normally I wouldn't care, but I had to wear the right thing. I wanted to be enrolled in the training academy. No I didn't want to, I needed to. If I was there I could ensure that nobody else would end up like Rodney and I. With parents mauled by infected humans. Watching my Father come at me like that.
My mind drifted off to the memory of his eyes and face. His once beautiful blue eyes turned into awful white-yellow filmy spheres. His face had rotted away in moments. He was a monster and he looked at me with anger with with with hunger.
I shivered violently. The saturation of pain dimming the memory disappearing. I went through my clothes again. All I could find were some dark blue boot cut jeans. It only had one hole at the right knee. It would do fine. Finding a shirt was another matter. If only I could find bleach.
This settlement was as close to safety as possible. Which also meant it kept whatever necessary materials in the merchants chambers. Which was a good two miles of walking away. There we could trade our belongings for other items. Bleach would be one we would have difficulty finding. Bleach supplies were normally kept with the militia. They kept it to make sure water supplies were always safe.
I decided, with great reluctance, to chose an old old shirt my mother gave me. It of course, was hers. A lovely Cotton powder blue dress shirt. Sewn with a deep blue thread. I only wore it on special occasions now a days. No way would I let it be ruined.The sleeves were still a bit long on me but I adjusted them with ease.
All I had left was hair, which was quite easy. I would put it up in a pony tail with my silver ribbon. There perfect I mumbled to my self looking through my cracked mirror. Turning on my heel I went to a small little cabinet and even smaller oven. Seeing as I had the bigger room, and the only cooking skills, I had the wood oven and food in my room. It was a simple little thing. It burnt wood to run so no need for gasoline, which was a very rare highly sought after item now a days.
I cooked up some eggs for the both of us. The smell wafted in the air and I smiled meekly. Food was something I used to remember the good days with my father he was an excellent cook. "Hey girl" Rodney said striding in. He always wore a pair of shorts and a simple t-shirt with sandals. He was a charming young man and I knew must have found a few hopless girls at the small little school by now. Every once and a while he'd be gone at their house helping out. Made me happy that he was able to move on, slowly but surely, from the ominous grip of death around us.
We ate the finished eggs happily. As much as he hated seeing me go and try and enroll he supported me with every bit of his heart. He even went as far as to teach me simple math and reading skills. Retaught me my ABC's as well when he wasn't at school.
"Ready?" I asked finished and satisfied with my meal.
"Of course." He replied back gobbling up the remaining bit's of food on his plate.
Here we go I thought eagerly. Either I'm going to start my dream or end up rethinking my life. We walked outside to the sound of silence. A sound many of us had missed.
Chapter Three - Spoiler:
We were walking briskly. The ashen ruins of a once beautiful sky hovering above us. It was peaceful, the silence have a tone of tranquility which had been long been lost to many.
The sun burned through the sullen air. The damp morning mist hanging by our feet, pushed away into swirls by our every step. Rodney seemed rigid and uncomfortable. His normal gait eradicated by a mechanical man's walk. I could feel his stiff feelings. He was sad and reluctant. He didn't want to lose me like his parents. I couldn't help but feel ashamed for doing this to him. But he knew I had too, he knew I needed something to help cope.
"So..." I said trailing off hoping to break the ice.
"hmm?" He said staring straight forward. His features were almost painful to look at. I wished the sun would leave us in darkness so I didn't have to witness his agony. Maybe we should turn back and laugh saying it was all a joke and didn't mean for it to go this far. NO! This was what I was meant to do. He would just have to deal with it. Sooner or later he had to accept that little bit of cruel reality.
We walked the next mile in complete silence. He had a bike he could've used. We had traded a few of his dad's clothes for this mode of transportation so Rodney could get to school faster. Of course we only had one, and it was in poor enough condition as is. The thought of seeing the bike back in it's brand new cherry red pant condition was a sight I had always wanted to see. It of course would never come but it was fun to think that.
"Listen, Sidra"
I looked up to him "yes?" I replied my voice quavering
"I know it doesn't mean much but I have a little present for you." He rummaged in his pocket and stopped to find a little bright purple wrapper. The color was beautiful and I immediately saw it was something called a candy wrapper. Candy has not been in production since 2012, which was a decade ago. How had he come by such a treat?
"C-c-c-candy??" My voice squeaked in a barely audible whisper. He handed it to me gently smiling. Though it wasn't a forced smile it was genuine and warm. Something that I rarely saw these days. "Well go one eat it." He urged me to have a bite. He wasn't going to take a step farther if I didn't so I slowly and carefully tore at the paper wrapper.
Inside was three different colored plate like things that I assume was candy. They were brightly colored and their sweet scent trickled up my nose hanging there, baiting me for a bite. I slowly took the green piece and took a small bite from it. The taste was sweet and sour. Almost like a green apple, something that I had not had in years. I was five when I had had my last piece of candy and this was an elaborate treat. A present that I could never repay.
I had only just noticed he was hugging me. My eyes stung with my salty tears. He too was sighing with happiness. I carefully put the rest of the candy in my pocket for later.
After we both calmed down we turned the next block. Right in front of us stood a very elegant, high-tech building. We were here. We were at the militia base and training ground.
Chapter Four - Spoiler:
It was rather luxurious inside. Much unlike the rest of the town it had lighting and electricity, I wonder how it was so but was smart enough not to bother anyone.
We walked down the crisp, surprisingly clean corridor . The walls were white washed and sterile. In front of us stood a metal archway and inside was the more busiest area ever.
Everyone was rushing around, training student in their dirty uniforms bumping around, small town scientists speaking with the militia commanders and merchants. Over to our right was a small desk with an equally small line.
The desk was excluded from the rest of the busy room. It was powered by the sun. When I saw the wires going up the wall, I almost gasped. Solar energy had been much more refined since the year of, what was it, 2011. That was possibly the only good thing that came out of the war.
As we walked towards the desk I couldn't but glance at Rodney. His breathing seemed worrisome. I couldn't blame him, of course, but he should know I'd be alright. When we finally reached the desk I almost fell. Holograms! She was using holograms to do her work. She of course, was very busy and quite pretty. Dark chestnut hair and sullen hazel eyes, she was someone I'd expect Rodney to flirt with. I chuckled quietly at the thought.
"May I help you?" She asked. Her eyes had a tenacious look about them and I could tell she seemed rather bothered by something.
"Oh yes," Rodney replied positively "We would like some help with enrolling in the militia." he was very cool, very nonchalant.
"Oh of course, we need strong young men like you to help with even the simplest of tasks." She looked away from her holograms and dodged under her desk to grab the proper forms and what not.
"Actually we need the minor forms as well" he said taking that pile of papers. "For it's my err little sister taking into the militia not me."
The woman stared puzzled. Sure I looked young and all but still, no need to make a scene. "No no to young, to fresh, she still has a life to live."
"Ma'am, I know you've had others my age wish to join just give us the papers no need to cause a scene" I replied feeling the eyes of others fall onto us three.
"Of course, they never last a week but if you insist..." She said her voice trailing off. She handed us the minor papers. "All you need is a guardians signature then. I guess your big friend is here for that?"
"Yes" Rodney and I replied. both of us taking the appropriate forms and papers. I was finally going to do this. I would finally be able to do something with this washed away life.
Comments, ratings, constructive criticism all appreciated ^^
Last edited by Relora on Mon Dec 05, 2011 3:32 pm; edited 14 times in total | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Gymnastics 4 life Senior Fantagian
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Posts : 420 Join date : 2011-10-21 Age : 24 Location : Oh my god dude, you just can't go asking where people live...
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sat Nov 19, 2011 9:38 pm | |
| - Relora wrote:
Prologue - Spoiler:
I was six.... I was six when the first little bit of information of the disease was leaked. I was six when the rest of the world brushed off the claims, either to stupid to think or to fearful to imagine. I was six when the world's ending had begun.
The world was already about to destroy itself. The east and west union, made up of various countries (names of which I can not remember), had been at war for a good year by then. No one could go outside without being harassed, questioned and sometimes mistakenly killed. The average person lived in fear, for themselves, their family, and their union. No one wanted to lose but at the time no one could bear to win, to hold the guilt of wiping out half of the world's population wasn't going to be the best thing to hold in your mind, to tell your children.
But, that had been ten long years ago, and with each passing year it only got worse. Someone had to win right? Well by now that little rumor came to life. By now top scientists in both unions started to work towards replicating it. It took thousands of lives, spies, medicine, trust. Everything had been risked for one workable vile of that wretched liquid.
Sadly, they made. Exactly one moment the first mean of biological warfare had begun. The disease, meant to shut down, reprogram and reactivate one's very own brain, went out of control. People dieing and then only coming back up and and killing those that loved them most. Human flesh, living flesh, was their water and food. They needed and eventually others caught the disease through even the tiniest of bites.
One month afterword is where we are now. Large settlements with every defense know to man are kept to keep the tiniest shred of hope untorn.
Comments, ratings, constructive criticism all appreciated ^^ I have some grammar corrections if I may. 1.can not is cannot2.10 and over is written in numeral form 3.dieing is dyingI can't find anything else it's very good other than that ^.^ | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | **♥ Anni Hart♥** Regular Fantagian
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Posts : 246 Join date : 2011-10-14 Age : 71 Location : You like krabby patties dont you squidward
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:09 am | |
| Agreed with Rin
But. You can make can not Cannot or can't
Good story other than that
| |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Winnowill Loyal Fantagian
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Posts : 1929 Join date : 2011-10-28
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:14 am | |
| This is awesome! I like the post-apocalyptical theme!
My only criticims have already been posted by Rin and Anni. | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Mustard Senior Fantagian
![Mustard](https://2img.net/u/2812/26/16/86/avatars/1035-74.jpg)
Posts : 280 Join date : 2011-01-30
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:30 am | |
| First of all, when I saw this title I got excited, because Rise Again[st] is my favorite bands. This is overall really good. Congrats. | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | elsa ♡ Dedicated Fantagian
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Posts : 1417 Join date : 2011-08-22 Age : 23 Location : i really don't know, where am i?
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:41 am | |
| The only thing I'd say is dieing is dying.
But overall good. And, I don't think one of Rin's corrections is right. But who's to say. | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Gymnastics 4 life Senior Fantagian
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Posts : 420 Join date : 2011-10-21 Age : 24 Location : Oh my god dude, you just can't go asking where people live...
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sun Nov 20, 2011 11:03 am | |
| - cowcow23 wrote:
- The only thing I'd say is dieing is dying.
But overall good. And, I don't think one of Rin's corrections is right. But who's to say. wich one? I'd certianly like to know so that I'd know in the future o-o | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Relora Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776 Join date : 2010-11-30 Age : 27 Location : Define "Location"
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sun Nov 20, 2011 12:21 pm | |
| Okay thanks guys. I think I fixed what you all saw needed to be changed. I'm happy to be writing again, been tooooo long for me :3 Again thanks for the feedback I'm happy you guys are helping ![Very Happy](https://2img.net/i/fa/i/smiles/icon_biggrin.png) I think Ima start on chapter one right now xD | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Mustard Senior Fantagian
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Posts : 280 Join date : 2011-01-30
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sun Nov 20, 2011 12:34 pm | |
| PLEASE don't make chapters. Because then you'll never end it. Just make a long story, make an ending. Get to the point. Don't start writing and inventing stuff on the way. | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Winnowill Loyal Fantagian
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Posts : 1929 Join date : 2011-10-28
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sun Nov 20, 2011 12:37 pm | |
| I don't think there is anything wrong with having a continuing story... That's how I write mine... ![Very Happy](https://2img.net/i/fa/i/smiles/icon_biggrin.png) It's just easier to maintain motivation that way. You also end up with a lot of good material that you can use to make a story that does have a definite ending. if you have blank-page phobia like me. | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Relora Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776 Join date : 2010-11-30 Age : 27 Location : Define "Location"
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sun Nov 20, 2011 12:50 pm | |
| - A wrote:
- PLEASE don't make chapters.
Because then you'll never end it. Just make a long story, make an ending. Get to the point. Don't start writing and inventing stuff on the way. Actually this idea, I've had it in my mind for a good month now. I'm not really inventing on the way. I know what Ima need to put in all there is to add is a few extra's. Truth is, when I make stories I keep writing to the last drop. If you really don't want to keep seeing it I'll resume what I always have done, which is write in a notebook (seeing as word doesn't work for me). 'll probably just add a little here and there on the forum. I never plan on posting the full thing on the forum. Would be wayyyy to long. I just put the gist of it in. You don't have to read the chapters if you don't want d; | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | elsa ♡ Dedicated Fantagian
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Posts : 1417 Join date : 2011-08-22 Age : 23 Location : i really don't know, where am i?
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sun Nov 20, 2011 1:00 pm | |
| - rin wrote:
I have some grammar corrections if I may. 1.can not is cannot 2.10 and over is written in numeral form 3.dieing is dying I can't find anything else it's very good other than that ^.^ I'm not sure about this one, but I don't know that I'm wrong. | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Relora Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776 Join date : 2010-11-30 Age : 27 Location : Define "Location"
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sun Nov 20, 2011 1:04 pm | |
| - cowcow23 wrote:
- rin wrote:
I have some grammar corrections if I may. 1.can not is cannot 2.10 and over is written in numeral form 3.dieing is dying I can't find anything else it's very good other than that ^.^
I'm not sure about this one, but I don't know that I'm wrong.
Actually I wasn't sure as well so I looked it up. It actually can be either just depends on other factors. I decided to put it back to numeral form. Chapter 1 is out By the way. I think Ima roll with this story and use it as an outlet of my creativity. Noe I just needa find a college ruled notebook..... | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Guest Guest
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Sun Nov 20, 2011 1:21 pm | |
| @Rin: 1. You don't have to say cannot. You can say either can't, can not, or cannot. 2. Correct. Numbers 1-10 are written in word form, 11 and over is written in numeral form. 3. Again, correct. It's spelled dying.
So you are right, but on number one you don't have to...but you should. -- I really love your story. Keep writing. (: |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Relora Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776 Join date : 2010-11-30 Age : 27 Location : Define "Location"
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Mon Nov 21, 2011 8:12 am | |
| Chapter two is up :3
and thanks Taost. I appreciate it ^^ | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Winnowill Loyal Fantagian
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Posts : 1929 Join date : 2011-10-28
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Mon Nov 21, 2011 10:38 am | |
| I love this...the descriptive text is perfect. I want to be able to write like that eventually... | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Relora Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776 Join date : 2010-11-30 Age : 27 Location : Define "Location"
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Mon Nov 21, 2011 2:00 pm | |
| - Silmaril wrote:
- I love this...the descriptive text is perfect. I want to be able to write like that eventually...
Why thank you ^^ Though if you like what I'm doing you should really go back and look at what Makki writes. That's some very impressive writing. I'm rather enjoying this setting and plot. This is just what my creation deprived brain needed. | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | 69hot_wangs69 Dedicated Fantagian
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Posts : 1456 Join date : 2011-09-12 Age : 26 Location : Your pants
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Mon Nov 21, 2011 4:04 pm | |
| - rin wrote:
- Relora wrote:
Prologue - Spoiler:
I was six.... I was six when the first little bit of information of the disease was leaked. I was six when the rest of the world brushed off the claims, either to stupid to think or to fearful to imagine. I was six when the world's ending had begun.
The world was already about to destroy itself. The east and west union, made up of various countries (names of which I can not remember), had been at war for a good year by then. No one could go outside without being harassed, questioned and sometimes mistakenly killed. The average person lived in fear, for themselves, their family, and their union. No one wanted to lose but at the time no one could bear to win, to hold the guilt of wiping out half of the world's population wasn't going to be the best thing to hold in your mind, to tell your children.
But, that had been ten long years ago, and with each passing year it only got worse. Someone had to win right? Well by now that little rumor came to life. By now top scientists in both unions started to work towards replicating it. It took thousands of lives, spies, medicine, trust. Everything had been risked for one workable vile of that wretched liquid.
Sadly, they made. Exactly one moment the first mean of biological warfare had begun. The disease, meant to shut down, reprogram and reactivate one's very own brain, went out of control. People dieing and then only coming back up and and killing those that loved them most. Human flesh, living flesh, was their water and food. They needed and eventually others caught the disease through even the tiniest of bites.
One month afterword is where we are now. Large settlements with every defense know to man are kept to keep the tiniest shred of hope untorn.
Comments, ratings, constructive criticism all appreciated ^^
I have some grammar corrections if I may. 1.can not is cannot 2.10 and over is written in numeral form 3.dieing is dying I can't find anything else it's very good other than that ^.^ I am seriously getting sick of all these grammar nazis. I dont think she posted that whole thing just so that people can reply saying that she misspelled 2 words. Honestly, who gives a crap. Everybody makes grammatical errors. Everyone. Comment on the story, not her misspellings. Why do you guys do it anyway? How is pointing out that she used 'can not', instead of 'cannot' relevant? Am I missing something? Is it to make yourself look smart? I'll tell you right now, it's not working, it's annoying. Anyway, I didnt get to read the whole thing yet, and I've got to go. I'll finish it later and edit this post out with my opinion on the story. I just had to get that stuff off of my chest. | |
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Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 26 Location : Woah
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Mon Nov 21, 2011 4:13 pm | |
| - Spy-der wrote:
- rin wrote:
- Relora wrote:
Prologue - Spoiler:
I was six.... I was six when the first little bit of information of the disease was leaked. I was six when the rest of the world brushed off the claims, either to stupid to think or to fearful to imagine. I was six when the world's ending had begun.
The world was already about to destroy itself. The east and west union, made up of various countries (names of which I can not remember), had been at war for a good year by then. No one could go outside without being harassed, questioned and sometimes mistakenly killed. The average person lived in fear, for themselves, their family, and their union. No one wanted to lose but at the time no one could bear to win, to hold the guilt of wiping out half of the world's population wasn't going to be the best thing to hold in your mind, to tell your children.
But, that had been ten long years ago, and with each passing year it only got worse. Someone had to win right? Well by now that little rumor came to life. By now top scientists in both unions started to work towards replicating it. It took thousands of lives, spies, medicine, trust. Everything had been risked for one workable vile of that wretched liquid.
Sadly, they made. Exactly one moment the first mean of biological warfare had begun. The disease, meant to shut down, reprogram and reactivate one's very own brain, went out of control. People dieing and then only coming back up and and killing those that loved them most. Human flesh, living flesh, was their water and food. They needed and eventually others caught the disease through even the tiniest of bites.
One month afterword is where we are now. Large settlements with every defense know to man are kept to keep the tiniest shred of hope untorn.
Comments, ratings, constructive criticism all appreciated ^^
I have some grammar corrections if I may. 1.can not is cannot 2.10 and over is written in numeral form 3.dieing is dying I can't find anything else it's very good other than that ^.^ I am seriously getting sick of all these grammar nazis.
I dont think she posted that whole thing just so that people can reply saying that she misspelled 2 words. Honestly, who gives a crap. Everybody makes grammatical errors. Everyone. Comment on the story, not her misspellings.
Why do you guys do it anyway? How is pointing out that she used 'can not', instead of 'cannot' relevant? Am I missing something? Is it to make yourself look smart? I'll tell you right now, it's not working, it's annoying.
Anyway, I didnt get to read the whole thing yet, and I've got to go. I'll finish it later and edit this post out with my opinion on the story. I just had to get that stuff off of my chest. This. I'm sorry to have to use personal examples, and I hope I don't sound like I'm whining, but ... I wrote a story a while ago, and almost immediately I got a comment. Of course, it was just someone complimenting my grammar and nothing else. That isn't constructive in the least. Frankly, I'm sure most writers would rather you completely take apart their story and hate every line rather than comment on their grammar. That's like commenting on our typing speed, for Christ's sake! The only thing it makes obvious is that you don't care. Apathy is worse than hatred, art-wise. Anyway, I'll be critiquing this story in a few! The first few lines sound good, I'll try to see what I think about the whole thing later. | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Abbey Former Staff
![Former Staff Former Staff](https://2img.net/h/i438.photobucket.com/albums/qq109/XtremeX17/SrMember.png)
![Abbey](https://2img.net/u/2812/26/16/86/avatars/282-37.png)
Posts : 1462 Join date : 2010-07-18 Age : 26 Location : IG @the.abbsta
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Mon Nov 21, 2011 4:13 pm | |
| - Spy-der wrote:
- rin wrote:
- Relora wrote:
Prologue - Spoiler:
I was six.... I was six when the first little bit of information of the disease was leaked. I was six when the rest of the world brushed off the claims, either to stupid to think or to fearful to imagine. I was six when the world's ending had begun.
The world was already about to destroy itself. The east and west union, made up of various countries (names of which I can not remember), had been at war for a good year by then. No one could go outside without being harassed, questioned and sometimes mistakenly killed. The average person lived in fear, for themselves, their family, and their union. No one wanted to lose but at the time no one could bear to win, to hold the guilt of wiping out half of the world's population wasn't going to be the best thing to hold in your mind, to tell your children.
But, that had been ten long years ago, and with each passing year it only got worse. Someone had to win right? Well by now that little rumor came to life. By now top scientists in both unions started to work towards replicating it. It took thousands of lives, spies, medicine, trust. Everything had been risked for one workable vile of that wretched liquid.
Sadly, they made. Exactly one moment the first mean of biological warfare had begun. The disease, meant to shut down, reprogram and reactivate one's very own brain, went out of control. People dieing and then only coming back up and and killing those that loved them most. Human flesh, living flesh, was their water and food. They needed and eventually others caught the disease through even the tiniest of bites.
One month afterword is where we are now. Large settlements with every defense know to man are kept to keep the tiniest shred of hope untorn.
Comments, ratings, constructive criticism all appreciated ^^
I have some grammar corrections if I may. 1.can not is cannot 2.10 and over is written in numeral form 3.dieing is dying I can't find anything else it's very good other than that ^.^ I am seriously getting sick of all these grammar nazis.
I dont think she posted that whole thing just so that people can reply saying that she misspelled 2 words. Honestly, who gives a crap. Everybody makes grammatical errors. Everyone. Comment on the story, not her misspellings.
Why do you guys do it anyway? How is pointing out that she used 'can not', instead of 'cannot' relevant? Am I missing something? Is it to make yourself look smart? I'll tell you right now, it's not working, it's annoying.
Anyway, I didnt get to read the whole thing yet, and I've got to go. I'll finish it later and edit this post out with my opinion on the story. I just had to get that stuff off of my chest. ![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Tumblr_lu656mTECk1r4p902o1_250](https://2img.net/h/25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lu656mTECk1r4p902o1_250.gif) That is all. | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | **♥ Anni Hart♥** Regular Fantagian
![**♥ Anni Hart♥**](https://2img.net/u/2812/26/16/86/avatars/3248-29.jpg)
Posts : 246 Join date : 2011-10-14 Age : 71 Location : You like krabby patties dont you squidward
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Mon Nov 21, 2011 4:19 pm | |
| I love it C:!
I'm not much of criticism person. | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Makkine Moderator
![Moderator Moderator](https://2img.net/h/i438.photobucket.com/albums/qq109/XtremeX17/Moderator-1.png)
![Makkine](https://2img.net/u/2812/26/16/86/avatars/172-45.png)
Posts : 2772 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 26 Location : Woah
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Mon Nov 21, 2011 4:20 pm | |
| - A wrote:
- PLEASE don't make chapters.
Because then you'll never end it. Just make a long story, make an ending. Get to the point. Don't start writing and inventing stuff on the way. Hey, some of us already have it typed up somewhere else and we continue posting it here. My manteío story got to 20+ chapters before I stopped writing it, and even THEN it was because nobody read it after a certain point. | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Relora Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776 Join date : 2010-11-30 Age : 27 Location : Define "Location"
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Mon Nov 21, 2011 4:26 pm | |
| @Makki, Agreed. Oh and good to hear ^^ I've been eagerly awaiting your critique.
@Spyder, I agree. If I want grammar mistakes fixed all I have to do is ask my dad. He's just a stone's throw away. I want help with the characters the setting, the plot. One mistake I already saw is no body knows what the narrator's name is. I'm surprised no one has made mention of it. I'm happy I caught it myself I'll edit it in some time after I hear Maki's critique, your thoughts or I decide to work on chapter three.
Though I do appreciate the grammar fix non-the-less. It's not what I'm really looking for. I would love to hear more on how smoothly or choppy the story is. If people are interested or not. If the characters are realistic. If the tone and setting seem right for this time. That's what I'm looking for in critiques and what not.
Edit: @Anni, that's okay. Saying it was good was just as good as a critique. I'm happy you are enjoying it so far ^^ | |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Guest Guest
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Mon Nov 21, 2011 4:37 pm | |
| - Relora wrote:
- @Makki, Agreed. Oh and good to hear ^^ I've been eagerly awaiting your critique.
@Spyder, I agree. If I want grammar mistakes fixed all I have to do is ask my dad. He's just a stone's throw away. I want help with the characters the setting, the plot. One mistake I already saw is no body knows what the narrator's name is. I'm surprised no one has made mention of it. I'm happy I caught it myself I'll edit it in some time after I hear Maki's critique, your thoughts or I decide to work on chapter three.
Though I do appreciate the grammar fix non-the-less. It's not what I'm really looking for. I would love to hear more on how smoothly or choppy the story is. If people are interested or not. If the characters are realistic. If the tone and setting seem right for this time. That's what I'm looking for in critiques and what not.
Edit: @Anni, that's okay. Saying it was good was just as good as a critique. I'm happy you are enjoying it so far ^^ Meh, I don't really correct grammar in stories, I'm bad at grammar. Unless they actually ask for EVERY SINGLE grammar mistake...then I might. But I obviously won't find it. ..Sometimes I get a bit off-topic and comment on the grammar. :I I'll start reading chapter two. I didn't notice that it came out... |
| ![Go down](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | | Blue Veteran Fantagian
![Blue](https://2img.net/u/2812/26/16/86/avatars/1655-25.gif)
Posts : 3257 Join date : 2011-05-04 Age : 110 Location : How am I supposed to know? D; LOCATING MYSELF IS HARD.
![The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Empty](https://2img.net/i/empty.gif) | Subject: Re: The Dead Rise Again. *Chapter Four is out* Thu Nov 24, 2011 6:50 am | |
| I VOTED SPECTACULAR =D That is awesome, Rel! Keep it up! | |
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