| | Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! |  |
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+11TheShyOtaku Mila castiel Zelda Mustard Zack FruitCake elsa ♡ elise Relora taehyung 15 posters |
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taehyung
Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3089
Join date : 2011-07-15
Age : 23
Location : somewhere
| Subject: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!  Thu Dec 08, 2011 1:10 pm | |
| Hi Guest now you will read my latest story LoveStuck(from homestuck) Hope you'll love my story enjoy reading! - Characters:
- Character descriptions:
Lissa: Lissa is a new girl at school at grade 7,she meets Assi her new best friend she is a crush on Dave.
Assi: Assi Is A student in a school from grade 2 her best friend is Lissa She is crush on Edward since grade 3.
Dave: Dave is Lissa's crush and a school student from grade 1 his best friend is Edward.
Edward: Edward Is Assi's crush and a school student from grade 3,his best friend is Dave.
More characters coming soon!
- Description:
In an British school,a new girl comes named Lissa who she met Assi and became her best friend,when she saw Dave shes crush on him,but she keeps it a secret for her and only person she tells to her best friend Assi.
- Chapter 1:
Lissa's Mother: Lissa..... Lissa.... your late for your first day at school!!
Lissa:5 more minutes more
Lissa's mother:WAKE UPP!!
Lissa: Ugh fine first day at school
I went to the bathroom and took a showeri wore a pink shirt with a black scruffy jacket,black pants with black converse,now time to fix my hair i made it curly with two ponies now i'm ready.I went walking to school i saw Assi i followed her,O-No now were lost we forgot the way
Assi: Now were lost!! (she cried)
Lissa: i think i remember! follow me!
Assi: are you sure?
Lissa: stop asking and follow me.
later we reached the school
Assi: Phew we reached i thought we will be lost forever!
Lissa: Me too!!
(Dave and Edward Comes)
Dave: Hi Girls,Are you Lissa?Lissa The New Girl?
Lissa: Umm.. yeah what's your name?
Dave: my name is Dave this is my friend Edward.
Assi: H-Hi Edwar-
The Bell Rang,First period we had English our teacher is soo boring but i bought a chips with me I ate it secretly,since the teacher is boring she didn't notice!!i finished it,my classmates were giggling even Dave!the period was short.
Lissa: Thank God the period finished!
Assi: Yeahh The teacher is very boring!
Edward:Yeah i know
(French teacher came)
Teacher : Bonjour!Blah blah blah
This period i didn't understand anything! i have no idea what she is saying but when the teacher was going to ask me the bell rang.
Recces time i went to eat with my friend Assi.
Assi: Did you understand what did the french teacher said?
Lissa: i had no idea what she is saying!
(Dave and Edward comes)
Edward: Hi Assi,Hi Lissa!
Assi and Lissa: Hi
Lissa : why you guys are here?
Dave : we just wanted to sit with you.
Assi: Oh Ok Sit
(Everyone is eating his/her food)
Assi : Sorry we have to go!
Edward: Ok Its fine
(Assi and Lissa went)
Assi: Oh my gosh why do they always come and sit with us?
Lissa: i don't know.
Assi: I have a question.....Do you like Dave or Edward?
Lissa:...... I lik-
The Bell rang,we headed to the class,the rest periods were fun.
I went home by school bus we were singing playing and having fun,i reached home i knocked the door,my mom let me enter i went to the laptop to see who is online in facebook no one was online i went to sleep.
- Chapter 2:
1 week passed,I got a message on my blackberry,it's from Assi!
Oh my gosh i'm late i said to myself,I went to get ready it took about 20 minutes, i have 10 minutes left!i took my phone and went to the school using the bus.
Assi: You was going to have detention for being late!
Lissa: I know! I slept at 12:00 A.M.
Assi Oh Okay.
The Bell Rang
Science Teacher: Good Morning Students Today we will do groups four people in each group so choose who you want to be with.
Assi:I will be with Lissa!Anyone want to join?
Edward: Me and Dave will join you.
Teacher: Once you choosed who you will work with now you should make a project of Earth,plate tectonics,plate boundaries and everything we learned about Earth's Crust.
Lissa: I have an idea lets make a 3D presentation of earth's crust.
Assi: I think its a creative and good idea!
Edward: It will be the most creative idea!
Dave: Its pretty good but how do we make it 3D?
Lissa: Simple i know a program called "3D maker" I have it on my computer.
Dave: So.... you will make them 3D and?
Lissa: and draw all of us will draw and color.
So i gave everyone what they will draw and color;then i scanned them and made them 3D.The teacher was suprised.
Teacher: Its so nice and creative!
Assi: Lissa and our group worked really hard for it.
Lissa: I had the best idea.
Teacher: I will give you A+!
Brittney: This girl i hate her she thinks that she is smart,creative and pretty but thats all wrong.
Alex: I think she has a plan.
Caramel: Shh let her talk!
Next periods were bit funny.The bell rang.
Assi: Hi Lissa,there will be a ball at school after 1 week are you coming?
Lissa: i think i will not come.
Assi: OMG why?!??!!?
Lissa: Don't do you think its bit weird to wear masks??
Assi: No its not we will meet a mysterious guy.
Lissa: fine i will come.
The bell rang when the periods finished i went home.
Lissa: Mom there will be a ball can i go?
Lissa's Mother: No,you can't go.
Lissa: Mom, why??!?!?!?!
Lissa's Mom: You have some chores to do!
Lissa: But MOM!
Lissa's Mother: You will not go end of story.
I Stood Quiet,and I didn't say nothing.
When I finished Eating Dinner i ran to my bedroom and called Assi
Assi: Hello
Lissa : I told you i can't come!
Assi: Why?!!!?
Lissa: because my mom said i should not go!
Assi:But i already bought the outfits!Tell me why she said no.
Lissa: i have chores to do
Assi: Oh okay Bye
Lissa : Bye
- Chapter 3:
Lissa's Mom: LISSA!! come here
Lissa: Okay mom.
Lissa's Mom: I need you to clean my bedroom and make it sparkle from cleaning.
I went to my mom's bedroom
Lissa: Oh my gosh it will take forever!
Lissa's Mother: I don't care its you chore.
Lissa: Fine!
Lissa's mother: I have to go outside to do something i will come at midnight.
Lissa: Ok you will find this bedroom clean and sparkling.
Lissa's mother: Bye Sweety.
Lissa:Bye
I was cleaning it smells yuck.
*Home bell rings*
I opened the door.
Lissa: Don't say thats our outfits.
Assi:Its Too Late but it is!i my sister's boyfriend cousins to clean
Lissa: Omg you did that for me!
Assi: What friends for.
Lissa: You should clean here.
The man: OMG this is to messy.
Me and Assi went to the ball
Edward:Looks like these girls didn't get the memo.who are they?
Dave: I don't know but i will find out
I went to take some punch
Dave:Hey
Lissa: Hi
Dave: nice outfit
Lissa: thanks,Nice cap.Assi what should i say!
Assi:say he looks nice
Lissa:I mean nice coat,want some punch?
Dave: I already have.
Lissa: Oh okay great.
Dave: wanna Dance with me?
Lissa: Umm ok
Assi went to Edward.
Assi:Hey
Edward:Hey,Nice outfit
Assi:Thanks,wanna dance with me?
Edward:sure!
Dave and I were dancing,but we were wearing masks i didn't know who is he,and he doesn't know who i am.
We were Dancing Tango.
Dave: You dance really good.
Lissa:Thanks
Brittney: Look at his moves,That must be Dave,but who is he dancing with.
Alex:She Dances really good.
Caramel: OH SHUT UP
Alex and caramel went and pour snicker[Candy that looks like a ball] on the ground.
I falled when i reached the Candy.
Lissa: Woah...
Dave: Are you ok?
Dave takes out his mask
Lissa:Dave?Omg i hav to go can you give me my mp3 player?Thanks come with me Assi.
Assi is driving the car but suddenly it got stopped.
Lissa: Omg not now!
I ran to my house
I saw my mom came i ran very fast,i saw the man who was cleaning my mom's bedroom
Lissa:Go up up.Go inside there.
i went and wore my mother's pyjama.
Lissa's Mother: wow you obbeyed my commands.why your wearing my pyjama?
Lissa: I like the type of the pyjama.
Lissa's mother: Okay now get out i want to change my clothes and go to sleep.
Lissa: Okay Sweet dreams
My mother slept.
the man who cleaned my mom's bedroom went out.
I went to my room and changed my clothes and went to sleep.
Last edited by **cutey_larl** on Wed Jan 04, 2012 3:46 am; edited 4 times in total | |
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Relora
Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776
Join date : 2010-11-30
Age : 27
Location : Define "Location"
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Thu Dec 08, 2011 4:36 pm | |
| No offense, but I don't see how this ties into homestuck all to well :s
other than that pretty good. | |
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elise
Devoted Fantagian
Posts : 613
Join date : 2011-12-01
Age : 32
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Thu Dec 08, 2011 5:19 pm | |
| - Relora wrote:
- No offence I don't see how this ties to homestuck :s other than that pretty good.
Agreed with Relora, Nice story though P.S why didn't you use homestuck people? | |
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elsa ♡
Dedicated Fantagian
Posts : 1417
Join date : 2011-08-22
Age : 23
Location : i really don't know, where am i?
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Thu Dec 08, 2011 5:53 pm | |
| - **cutey_larl** wrote:
I went to the bathroom and took a shower,i wore a pink shirt with a black scruffy jacket,black pants with black converse,now time to fix my hair i made it curly with two ponies now i'm ready.I went walking to school i saw Assi i followed her,O-No now were lost we forgot the way
Critique time! :3 You have a lot of run-on sentences. This one being the biggest. You also need capitals, correct punctuation, and punctuation in places they're supposed be. Some grammatical errors, too. I felt as though the story went to fast, and it didn't catch my interest, sorry. Hermmm, I rate it... about 8.5/10. 030 | |
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FruitCake
Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4126
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 22
Location : ♫
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taehyung
Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 3089
Join date : 2011-07-15
Age : 23
Location : somewhere
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:15 pm | |
| Likei got the story name from homestuck i changed home to love (its only the story title)
I know punctuation mistake I'll edit it later cause now i woke up. | |
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Zack
New Fantagian
Posts : 7
Join date : 2011-11-03
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Wed Jan 04, 2012 3:49 am | |
| Hi.
This story is nice it grabbed my antention. | |
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Mustard
Senior Fantagian
Posts : 280
Join date : 2011-01-30
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Wed Jan 04, 2012 4:54 pm | |
| eh 3/10
heard this kind of story
millions of times
i'm pretty sure i already know the ending.
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Guest
Guest
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Wed Jan 04, 2012 4:56 pm | |
| - Mustard wrote:
- eh 3/10
heard this kind of story
millions of times
i'm pretty sure i already know the ending.
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Zelda
Passionate Fantagian
Posts : 773
Join date : 2011-10-25
Age : 23
Location : skyrim
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Wed Jan 04, 2012 7:28 pm | |
| You totally stole Chapter 3 from the movie "Another Cinderella Story". x3 I like the story, but you need to make original. It should be your story, not something from a movie. Also, stuff like this kind of bugs me: - Quote :
- I falled when i reached the Candy. It should be: I fell when I reached for the candy.
The grammar is incorrect. It definitely got a lot better since the first chapter, but I think you still need to work on your grammar. Overall, I give your story an 8/10 (: | |
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castiel
Devoted Fantagian
Posts : 554
Join date : 2011-11-15
Age : 23
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Thu Jan 05, 2012 12:48 am | |
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Relora
Hero Fantagian
Posts : 6776
Join date : 2010-11-30
Age : 27
Location : Define "Location"
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Thu Jan 05, 2012 3:26 pm | |
| - billehnessy wrote:
- ASSi?
^^
LOL. it was a typo she meant lissa xD | |
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Mila
Expert Fantagian
Posts : 2017
Join date : 2011-09-01
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Thu Jan 05, 2012 3:30 pm | |
| assi hahaha that made CRACK UP. i was literally on the floor , laughing. no fense. i liked it. i give it a 8 | |
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TheShyOtaku
Senior Fantagian
Posts : 347
Join date : 2011-11-28
Age : 27
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Thu Jan 05, 2012 3:54 pm | |
| nice story  | |
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Flynn
Legendary Fantagian
Posts : 12278
Join date : 2012-01-14
Age : 25
Location : The gallows
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Tue Jan 24, 2012 11:48 am | |
| It's really cute. I give it a 7.5. | |
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alex
Moderator
Posts : 23507
Join date : 2010-08-10
Age : 25
Location : google maps
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Tue Jan 24, 2012 6:20 pm | |
| - Mr.Taost wrote:
- Mustard wrote:
- eh 3/10
heard this kind of story
millions of times
i'm pretty sure i already know the ending.
This^^ Also, just because you named it similar to Homestuck, it has NOTHING to do with it. | |
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Usui
Hero Fantagian
Posts : 5275
Join date : 2011-09-09
Age : 24
Location : Worldbuscus
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Tue Jan 24, 2012 6:22 pm | |
| - N wrote:
- Mr.Taost wrote:
- Mustard wrote:
- eh 3/10
heard this kind of story
millions of times
i'm pretty sure i already know the ending.
This^^
Also, just because you named it similar to Homestuck, it has NOTHING to do with it. I totally agree with all of this. | |
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Winnowill
Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1929
Join date : 2011-10-28
| | Subject: Re: Love-stuck Chapter 3 IS OUT!!! Wed Jan 25, 2012 4:19 pm | |
| It's not a bad story, but it seems to have a plot that's a little too predictable, which has already been pointed out. The title is also misleading, because it suggests a Homestuck fanfic which, it obviously isn't. I would suggest that you try changing the title and adding a few plot twists and new elements. | |
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