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 School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}

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Lillie
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PostSubject: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:24 am



Discreption:

Spoiler:
 

Chapter 1

Spoiler:
 

Chapter 2:

Spoiler:
 

Chapter 3:


Spoiler:
 


Last edited by Lillie on Sat Nov 26, 2011 1:46 am; edited 3 times in total
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mayanm
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Nov 19, 2011 6:25 am

It's nice, lillie, I'm not saying it isn't but you know...all the grammar mistakes and stuff just makes it really hard to read. Especially with the small font.
So why don't you give it a thorough reading, check all the mistakes (I'm lazy to check them lol) and then post it.
You've got a good theme and story but there is plenty of room for improvement, okay? C:
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Relora
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Nov 19, 2011 7:46 am

There were some misspellings. Quite a few grammar mistakes (remember 'i' is capitalized if you're using it to represent yourself ex. I made breakfast)

The story didn't really seem to flow. It was very rigid in transitions to me. In the very first paragraph when you were telling the reader her accomplishments you just went and left that and got right into the school. No transition, just "my hair looks nice" and boom you're at the school. Also when you transition from place to place in a story, an author normally doesn't say l school l They will normally put in a few lines of emptiness or the next chapter (in this case it be empty lines). I mean we could easily see she was at school when the teacher exclaimed "Good morning".
Also put a space behind punctuation, makes things less jumbled and easier to read.

To make it more realistic I suggest you don't have the teacher out right say she's a smart girl, let the students find out themselves when she makes great grades in all her classes. I can also tell that you aren't in highschool. Teachers don't have everyone introduce themselves normally. They barely even introduce the new student. Also can I get a specific time of the school year? I assume it's later on seeing as Prom is normally around late winter to mid-spring time (February to March). Oh and, a person normally doesn't say 'lol' outloud, maybe they make a 'lul' sound but not L O L XD

That's all I have for now. I'm sure when Taost gets on she will add in her two-cents. Other then that very well cone ^^
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Lillie
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sun Nov 20, 2011 11:12 am

I editted I the first chapter and i made 2nd chapter but half i dont pretty much time.
I'll Complete tomorrow since i have quizes these days.
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taehyung
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Nov 26, 2011 12:04 am

Its very nice but there are grammar mistakes.
Can't Wait until chapter 3.
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Lillie
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Nov 26, 2011 12:05 am

I'm working on chapter 3!!
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Zack
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Nov 26, 2011 2:05 am

Woah why is my name there?
lol it's Okay Can't wait to hear from you more!
(BTW I'm New my first post)
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Nov 26, 2011 3:21 am

Relora wrote:
There were some misspellings. Quite a few grammar mistakes (remember 'i' is capitalized if you're using it to represent yourself ex. I made breakfast)

The story didn't really seem to flow. It was very rigid in transitions to me. In the very first paragraph when you were telling the reader her accomplishments you just went and left that and got right into the school. No transition, just "my hair looks nice" and boom you're at the school. Also when you transition from place to place in a story, an author normally doesn't say l school l They will normally put in a few lines of emptiness or the next chapter (in this case it be empty lines). I mean we could easily see she was at school when the teacher exclaimed "Good morning".
Also put a space behind punctuation, makes things less jumbled and easier to read.

To make it more realistic I suggest you don't have the teacher out right say she's a smart girl, let the students find out themselves when she makes great grades in all her classes. I can also tell that you aren't in highschool. Teachers don't have everyone introduce themselves normally. They barely even introduce the new student. Also can I get a specific time of the school year? I assume it's later on seeing as Prom is normally around late winter to mid-spring time (February to March). Oh and, a person normally doesn't say 'lol' outloud, maybe they make a 'lul' sound but not L O L XD

That's all I have for now. I'm sure when Taost gets on she will add in her two-cents. Other then that very well cone ^^
You took everything out of my mouth, so it's not possible.
-
Your plot is way too quick. Slow down the rising action, please. I don't see why you're capitalizing almost every other word. Also, I'm sure a child wouldn't just scream out "OMG!" right in front of everyone. They would probably say, "Oh my God!".
And you're supposed to but a space after a comma, or everything is just like, "Today I went to school,it was nice,regular,and smooth. But guess what? Kyle was there,he was so hot!" and just like all jdasjdjfdsak jumbled up. Please don't put abbreviations in your story such as, "Mins". Emotes in stories are annoying, too. They're not even supposed to be in one unless it's a chat. If you want to show their expression, just simply put their feelings or actions after what they said.
ex. "R-really?" Emma said, blushing. "I'd love to!".
Numbers 1-10 are supposed to be written in word form. And whenever a character takes a break while talking, you either put a comma, period, exclamation point, or question mark and just put who said it and simply put the rest of their little speech. (blargh i cant explain it..)
ex. "I hate you," Ryan said, and threw the bag at him. "don't ever talk to me again."
^dramabombbolololololol
But I really like your story, keep it up.
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Nov 26, 2011 4:20 am

Can I make some corrections?
red= spelling mistakes
Bold and blue= '.' or ' or ',' needed
Italized and Underlined= capital/no capital needed

chapter 1:
 

Lots of small spelling mistakes >.<
But overall, really good.
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alex
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Nov 26, 2011 12:16 pm

Why was almost everything capitalized? Basically what Relora and Taost said. There's not much a flow, but there's lots of time for improvement! :33

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tumblr / 내 호버크라프트는 장어로 가득 차 있어요. ㅡㅅㅡ
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Makkine
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Nov 26, 2011 1:06 pm

Okay, Relora and Taost already commented on your pacing, on your exposition, and on the grammatical/orthographical mistakes you've made. I'm going to give you a quick writing workshop here. We'll discuss characterisation, dialogue, plotting, and mood/tone.

Okay, no, never mind. I just read the first sentence, and exposition is something I need to discuss with you. You never start a story like this. Never. Have you ever walked down a street, minding your own business, when a hyperactive child is suddenly all up in your face, explicitly detailing every detail of his short and sugar-high-tainted life? No? Just me? Well, ma'am, let me tell you what you're thinking at the moment: Why should I care? And indeed, why should we care that your main character went to such-and-such high school and is good at such-and-such games and she's a stuck-up brat? Answer: we shouldn't. Please, get something interesting to hold our attention. And always show, not tell (well, there are a few occasions where telling is good, but the lead isn't one of them).

Oh, wow, every single sentence here has a different something I could spend paragraphs ranting about. You are pushing the character's appearance in our faces. You do not think like this. You do not think of your hair as golden when you're just trying on a uniform. She's a pretty girl, we get it. But your description immediately reeks of Mary Sue.

Wait, is this story in the present tense or in the past tense? Dear God. No offence, but where did you learn English? I recognise some of these speech patterns and mistakes. The first-graders at my school have them. If you don't know me, I'm a Mexican girl. The first-graders at my school are all native Spanish speakers on their third year of English education. This is not a compliment. I doubt you're a native English speaker and I congratulate you on trying something as ambitious as writing a story, but I beg of you, get a proof-reader.

Woah, wait, now what's happening? Every new speaker needs a new paragraph. These girls are cookie-cutter, they have no personality. They're flat. Now, seeing how they're tertiary characters at best, I won't bother you about it, but the problem is that your main character acts exactly like them except for some self-declared intelligence.

Also, when is this? Why is every event layered on top of each other? The boy is also not a character. He's just there to be a love interest, and his thought processes are a complete and utter mystery to the reader. Why would he fall in love after just one period?

You know, I'm starting to suspect this might actually be the hallucination of a woman in an insane asylum, hence the odd, jaggy, nightmarish combination of upper and lower case letters and the continued empathic declarations of the main character's intelligence. She believes whatever she wants to believe.
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Bluerivers
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Nov 26, 2011 1:37 pm

THIS SUCKS
that is all
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Winnowill
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Nov 26, 2011 2:05 pm

Maybe you could add detail to the character's personalities? Like perhaps Zack and Lilly could share an interest, like music, or a trait, like being stubborn? That would provide more of a reason as to why they like each-other and want to continue the relationship.
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Lillie
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sun Nov 27, 2011 4:43 am

Woah. Actually our school does't teach us good English ok?
And I'll edit it today cause we have holiday!
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:00 am

Okay. Good job on it, Lillie!
@Bluerivers; that's really offensive.
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Makkine
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sun Nov 27, 2011 12:43 pm

@Lillie: Where do you live, incidentally? I'm starting to feel bad for criticising your English now ... it's not like I can expect anything better D:
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Lillie
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Wed Nov 30, 2011 12:19 am

Well i live in an Arabic country that really doesn't teach English very well.
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candyx3ii
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Sat Dec 03, 2011 3:30 pm

Your story is interesting. I think you should make paragraph breaks for each paragraph. That way, it won't be so confusing. Also, keep in mind that you should never,under any circumstance, capititalize common nouns.
Your story sounds too fast. I think you could dig deeper into the character's feelings and emotions. I'd give your story a 7/10 though. :]
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Lillie
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Tue Dec 06, 2011 8:20 am

Kayy
I'll start chapter 4!
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Bluerivers
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Wed Dec 07, 2011 4:19 pm

it's okay.

you just need to work on a solid storyline.
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PostSubject: Re: School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}   Today at 9:11 am

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