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 The pixie life

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taehyung
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PostSubject: The pixie life   Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:20 pm

So this story i did for school months ago
anyways here(btw its short story {Personal Narative})
Spoiler:
 
ik ik verrrrrrry short i wrote it at school we had only 45 mins.
The Teacher made a grading rubric There is student assessment,Peer Assessment & Teacher Assessment when the peer(friend) graded me i got 36/40
there is 10 questions then 4 means Excellent,3 Good,2 Satisfactory,1 Needs Improvement.
Most of them 4,4(6),3(4),2(0),1(0).
Questions:
My Personal Narrative focuses on the topic stated in the prompt.?
My Personal Narrative has a topic sentence that grabs the reader's attention?
My Personal Narrative Has a strong ending that shows the heart of the story?
My Personal Narrative Includes Important details?
My Personal Narrative is written in the first person?
My Personal Narrative has words spelled correctly?
My Personal Narrative is organized?
My Personal Narrative uses the appropriate verb tense?
My personal Narrative uses correct punc.?
I Devoted a lot of time and effort to collect,draft,revise and edit my personal narrative?
Please rate 0-10
Critique.
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snake
Former Staff
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:22 pm

your grammar needs a lot of work
thats all there is to say on the matter
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taehyung
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:27 pm

I know i'm not excellent in grammar but i got 3 in it!
I'll try to improve
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badcad67
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PostSubject: THERE FANTAGE O RAMA   Fri Dec 02, 2011 1:41 pm

THERE IT IS Surprised
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Fri Dec 02, 2011 2:49 pm

I don't get this. Work on your grammar.
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powerstay
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Location : In America.Epic win.

PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Fri Dec 02, 2011 2:56 pm

Oh wow! R u in grd 3? I did one. 9.5/10 .
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taehyung
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Sat Dec 03, 2011 12:14 am

No I'm gr6
and i got 3(3 means Good)
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candyx3ii
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Sat Dec 03, 2011 3:20 pm

**cutey_larl** wrote:
I was sleeping at night,but at the middle of night i heard a sound z-z-z-z-z,i went out,but when i went out the voice became louder!I went closer and closer until i saw a fairy,but it wasn't one fairy,there were millions of them,and they were having a party,but one of the fairies saw me!she screamed and transformed me into a fairy PSSSSH!!.On the next day a worm came to eat us,but when it ate me I woke up!!And couldn't believe it was a dream.

Your narrative has potential, however, you put too much commas in places that are unnecessary. When I was reading your peice, I felt like I was short of breath. In addition, you also misused commas in places where its mandatory to put periods. Your story lacks sentence structure; you start most sentence with "I" and it sounds repetitive. Also, you may want to consider expanding your story. Try to put more details and imagery to it.
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Queen
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Sat Dec 03, 2011 3:24 pm

I have to agree with candy.
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taehyung
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Sun Dec 04, 2011 7:33 am

We only had 45 mins. that's why its short and i'm bad at putting commas and remember its a personal narrative we should use I
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:41 am

I can make some corrections.
Old paragraph:

I was sleeping at night,but at the middle of night i heard a sound z-z-z-z-z,i went out,but when i went out the voice became louder!I went closer and closer until i saw a fairy,but it wasn't one fairy,there were millions of them,and they were having a party,but one of the fairies saw me!she screamed and transformed me into a fairy PSSSSH!!.On the next day a worm came to eat us,but when it ate me I woke up!!And couldn't believe it was a dream.

Corrections:

I was sleeping. Suddenly, in the middle of night I heard a sound. 'Z-z-z-z-z', it went. I headed towards the noise and it became louder! I went closer and closer, until I saw a fairy. But it wasn't one fairy, there were millions of them. They were having a party! But one of the fairies saw me, so she screamed and transformed me into a fairy. On the next day a worm came to eat us, but when it ate me I woke up. I couldn't believe it was a dream.

Work on your grammar. Everything else is fine, I liked the way you used first-person narrative.
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taehyung
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:47 am

Thanks for correcting i know i'm bad at grammar!
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:47 am

Well, actually yours is good enough :] Nobody's perfect.
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candyx3ii
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Tue Dec 06, 2011 11:44 am

**cutey_larl** wrote:
We only had 45 mins. that's why its short and i'm bad at putting commas and remember its a personal narrative we should use I

It's not that you can't use I. Just try not to overuse it.
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Demonica Bishi
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:49 pm

I like it, but I think it ended a little too abruptly. Other than that, nice job. c:
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PostSubject: Re: The pixie life   Today at 5:18 pm

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