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| | FantageLuvers first story | |
| | Author | Message |
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Mila Expert Fantagian
Posts : 2017 Join date : 2011-09-01
| Subject: FantageLuvers first story Sun Jan 29, 2012 6:29 pm | |
| so i made a story. it is my first posted on here. The characters on the topic i posted is wrong. i am making new characters.Dont get freaked out if i use some ideas from a movie or book. after u read the story, can u help me think of a title? so here it is. please rate CHAPTER UNO - Spoiler:
“WERE MOVING” said Mikayla. “Yes, I need to find a new job.” Said Mikaylas mother Athena. Liana took her book bag and left the house. The slam of the door made the house shake. Mikayla went to school. “I can’t believe we are moving!” Mikayla said to her best friend Zoey. “Do you know where? Is it far away?” Asked Zoey.” “Yeah were moving in Olympia. It’s some town in the south.” The bell rang. Zoey left and Mikayla followed behind. Mikayla was so bored in class because her teacher Mrs.Humble kept talking about Ancient Greece and the gods and goddesses. Mikayla liked to draw so she drew a girl with a shield in her hand. She liked it. She liked learning about the war. Her mother taught her how to fight. Mikaylas mother gave her a sword. It hand a shiny gold handle and the metal looked like crystals. The class was over. Finally the day was over. She ran home so fast. Mikayla was on the track team. She loved running. When she got home, her mother was in car. Mikayla got in. They needed to go to Mikaylas new school, so she could meet her teachers. When they got there, she walked in the school. “Mikayla we need to go the principal’s office.” Mikayla nodded. The principal’s office was huge. She saw the principal’s desk. It was very neat; it had a gold name plate, fresh sharpened pencils and millions of papers. The shiny gold name plate said in Capital letters spelled. ZEUS.
Last edited by FantageLuver on Sun Jan 29, 2012 6:49 pm; edited 1 time in total | |
| | | Queen Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4500 Join date : 2010-07-20 Age : 22 Location : nowhereland
| Subject: Re: FantageLuvers first story Sun Jan 29, 2012 6:46 pm | |
| Pretty good.
Here some things I suggest you do.
- Make a new line every time someone is talking - Try making paragraphs
I dunno if there's more. | |
| | | Mila Expert Fantagian
Posts : 2017 Join date : 2011-09-01
| Subject: Re: FantageLuvers first story Sun Jan 29, 2012 6:48 pm | |
| ok thank you. and i will fix it in the next chapter | |
| | | Queen Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4500 Join date : 2010-07-20 Age : 22 Location : nowhereland
| Subject: Re: FantageLuvers first story Sun Jan 29, 2012 6:50 pm | |
| - FantageLuver wrote:
- ok thank you. and i will fix it in the next chapter
Okay, I like the story so far. \^o^/ | |
| | | o Veteran Fantagian
Posts : 4270 Join date : 2011-11-11 Age : 23
| Subject: Re: FantageLuvers first story Sun Jan 29, 2012 6:53 pm | |
| I think you should work on punctuation, such as:
"WERE MOVING" said Mikayla.
should look like:
"We're moving?!" said Mikayla.
You could italicize instead of caps lock. Also, make sure to put a punctuation mark in words such as let's or we're. Other than that, good job. | |
| | | Mila Expert Fantagian
Posts : 2017 Join date : 2011-09-01
| Subject: Re: FantageLuvers first story Sun Jan 29, 2012 6:57 pm | |
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| | | alex Moderator
Posts : 23507 Join date : 2010-08-10 Age : 24 Location : google maps
| Subject: Re: FantageLuvers first story Sun Jan 29, 2012 7:13 pm | |
| There's a lack of indentations and punctuation. You should try slowing down and try to explain the plot further. | |
| | | Winnowill Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1929 Join date : 2011-10-28
| Subject: Re: FantageLuvers first story Sun Jan 29, 2012 8:19 pm | |
| I really like your concept, but as others have already said, your story might be easier to read if you described what was going on a little further and worked on your punctuation and grammar a bit. Otherwise, this is excellent for a first story. | |
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