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| | Hope- Part 3 | |
| | Author | Message |
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Oliver Moderator
Posts : 4588 Join date : 2010-03-03 Age : 24 Location : *lights up a fire* yeah, trying to surivve in a fores.t *smokse a cig* il kill you
| Subject: Hope- Part 3 Fri Mar 05, 2010 5:03 pm | |
| Rainarrow stared at Shinelly. "How strange she came up with such a character, when space warrior Slimeii looked just like her." Jacov nodded. "Now that you think about it, Shinelly looks alot like her to." "Let me see something." Rainarrow whispered. She took the lilac out of her hair. And put it close to Shinellys heart. The lilac started growing. "Impossible." By this time the lilac was the size of her chest. "We..Have made a incredible discovery." "The world of Slimeii is the same as ours." Slowly she took the lilac out. "How?" "..." "Kidnapped. Amnesia." "But shinelly aint a orphan!
"MAYBE SHES REBORN!"
Slowly the 2 silenced. Shinelly was fast asleep. "Should we call Chaos? We can make her sing the chant." "She can play the flute at the same time."
"Yes, we will call Chaos." And the Lilac flew upwards to create a stream of light. | |
| | | The Criticizer New Fantagian
Posts : 10 Join date : 2010-03-04 Location : At my desk.
| Subject: Re: Hope- Part 3 Fri Mar 05, 2010 5:10 pm | |
| Critique:
Remember, Details! You need absolutely more details! The story is moving very fast, details will help slow it down. Show don't tell!
What color was the lilac? What does Shinelly look like? Explain the ideas more!
Its a bit hard to understand, thats where my advice from above comes in.
Keep Working. | |
| | | pokeranger Hero Fantagian
Posts : 5454 Join date : 2010-01-29 Age : 25 Location : Loading...
| Subject: Re: Hope- Part 3 Fri Mar 05, 2010 7:46 pm | |
| Thats good! But the criticizer is right. I think you need more detail | |
| | | Oliver Moderator
Posts : 4588 Join date : 2010-03-03 Age : 24 Location : *lights up a fire* yeah, trying to surivve in a fores.t *smokse a cig* il kill you
| Subject: Re: Hope- Part 3 Sun Mar 07, 2010 1:29 pm | |
| - pokeranger wrote:
- Thats good! But the criticizer is right. I think you need more detail
Yeah, hes always right, I think he should write a story here. It would be very succesful! | |
| | | v Moderator
Posts : 9590 Join date : 2010-02-07 Age : 24
| Subject: Re: Hope- Part 3 Sun Mar 07, 2010 2:11 pm | |
| That's a great story! Can't wait for more! | |
| | | McKenna Former Staff
Posts : 3165 Join date : 2010-01-27
| Subject: Re: Hope- Part 3 Sun Mar 07, 2010 2:11 pm | |
| Thats a really great story! Can't wait for more! | |
| | | pokeranger Hero Fantagian
Posts : 5454 Join date : 2010-01-29 Age : 25 Location : Loading...
| Subject: Re: Hope- Part 3 Sun Mar 07, 2010 3:41 pm | |
| When is part four coming up? I want to read it! | |
| | | pinkys Loyal Fantagian
Posts : 1834 Join date : 2010-01-26
| Subject: Re: Hope- Part 3 Sun Mar 07, 2010 3:42 pm | |
| wow great story! cant wait for more | |
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